tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-47684797609809445632024-03-12T23:57:59.401-04:00The Life Nomadic"One's destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things." Henry MillerAngelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392282421861704404noreply@blogger.comBlogger104125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4768479760980944563.post-9083759511359501492014-09-20T22:00:00.000-04:002014-09-21T00:53:53.375-04:00Goodbye, Wee OneThis past week has been unbearably hard, and yet it's impossible times like these, filled with grief, that we feel God's presence nearest.<br />
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We found out in early July that we were expecting Baby #4, and although we're completely overwhelmed with life right now, we were all elated!<br />
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The pregnancy seemed to be progressing normally and without complication, and then on August 3, when I thought I was about 8 weeks along, I experienced sudden, heavy bleeding that lasted for about 12 hours. We thought we were miscarrying, because even though this experience was completely different from a previous miscarriage we had, we couldn't imagine that a baby could survive such extreme blood loss.<br />
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Our midwife was out of town and recommended seeing her associate doctor to make sure everything had passed properly, since it was so unusual. It was a few days before we could get in to see the doctor, so we had grieved and resigned ourselves to the loss. And so, it was startling when the doctor said, confused, that she thought she detected a heartbeat. She wasn't entirely certain, so she sent us to the hospital for a second opinion. Sure enough, our baby was alive! It was a miraculous, precious gift!<br />
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It turned out that I had had a placental hemorrhage, where the placenta had begun to detach from the uterus wall, causing all the bleeding, but apparently had corrected itself and all was well. Apparently, also, this sort of thing can be normal in late first trimester. The hemorrhage put us at slightly increased risk of miscarriage, but was
no real concern and there was nothing to be done about it. The ultrasound indicated (and our midwife confirmed by other checks) that we were a whole month farther along than we thought. That added a new dimension of surprise and concern, because there was that whole month that I believed I wasn't pregnant, and one just isn't as careful about things when the womb is empty. <br />
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The pregnancy continued normally, with a bad case of "morning" sickness (try "unending" sickness!) being my only ailment. At around 16.5 weeks, I suddenly started feeling better; at the time, I thought that was a positive thing. For maybe a week prior to our latest appointment, I had started to feel
concerned--not for any particular reason, and worry is normal when
you're pregnant, and also several people had suddenly started asking me
if everything was okay with the pregnancy, and that just made me
wonder...But as far as we knew, all was well.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">16 weeks</td></tr>
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Then this past Tuesday, September 16, we went to our scheduled 17 week appointment, and couldn't find a heartbeat. Our midwife was obviously concerned, but we knew that my placenta was up front, and she wondered hopefully if that was just in the way. I knew that wasn't the case, and suddenly it made sense why I hadn't felt the baby move yet...Anyway, we went straight to the hospital for an ultrasound to find out for sure what was going on. Our worst fears were confirmed on that black-and-white screen...our baby was gone forever.<br />
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Waves of emotion, pain, grief, guilt, confusion, fear, and brokenness washed over me from that moment through the following days. Tears became the norm. Having to plan for a birth and burial just made it all so much harder. For several reasons I won't list here, we chose to induce labor and birth in the hospital--and I'm glad we did. But leading up to it, I really struggled with fear and resistance. I felt like I was being dragged unwilling into a forced abortion; I was clinging tightly and didn't want to let anyone take my baby from me. Even though 2 ultrasounds and 2 doctors had confirmed it, I couldn't let go of my fear, "What if the machines are wrong???" I almost backed out; I almost couldn't do it. <br />
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In the wee hours of Friday morning, the day scheduled for our lost baby's birth, God strengthened me and gave me peace for what we were about to face that day. The peace God gave was so real that the nurse and doctor both commented that they couldn't tell I was laboring because I just looked comfortable, and in fact the baby was born while they were both out of the room because they weren't expecting anything to happen. More than that, God even blessed us with joy, and we had moments where we were able to laugh--not at all making light of the sorrow of the day, but just to find humor in small things to lighten the burden of our souls.<br />
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Every part of the birth went well, and we were able to spend several hours with our little boy. We named him Nathaniel Joel...Nathaniel, meaning "God has given;" Joel, meaning "Yahweh is God"...because this boy was a gift God gave us for a short time, and He knows best why it was time to take him home so early.<br />
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I briefly mentioned how one of my troubling emotions was guilt...Life has been exceptionally hard lately, and I've struggled this whole pregnancy with feelings of guilt for not providing a healthier growing environment for this baby--in all areas of diet, exercise, and emotional health. So when he died, I was overcome with horror that it was my fault, that God had entrusted me with nurturing this precious life and I had failed. That is where the Lord gave us one more mercy...<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Nathaniel's tiny feet in my hand.</td></tr>
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After Nathaniel was born, the doctor immediately noted, with certainty, that he had a chromosomal abnormality (such as Down's Syndrome). Also, the placental hemorrhage I'd had earlier in the pregnancy, interestingly, is often correlated with or indicative of a baby with a chromosomal abnormality. While some of these precious babies do live to full term and beyond, very often they don't make it to birth because their valves are weaker and water can collect around their hearts, causing it to stop working. And often, of the ones who don't make it to birth, many make it as far as 28 weeks gestation before passing away. (I'm speaking only what I remember hearing the doctor say, which could be a fuzzy memory; this is not intended to be a scientific statement.)<br />
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The mercy is two-fold: 1) That we were spared even greater pain of losing our baby at a later gestation, because the longer you have to love the child, the harder it is to say goodbye; and 2) The fact that there was a real, medical reason for Nathaniel's death relieved my aching guilt that it was all my fault. The reason doesn't make it easier to lose him; it doesn't diminish any of the love we feel for him or the pain of loss or our desire to raise him and watch him grow. He is precious because God made him, and he is special to us because he is ours. My heart breaks that we'll never get to hold his hand and feel him squeeze back; we'll never see his face light up with smiles; we'll never get to fall in love with his personality...But we have the joy his short life gave us; we have the assurance of God's faithfulness; and we have the promise that we will see him and hug him and hold him again someday. Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392282421861704404noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4768479760980944563.post-45439406786866323622014-07-18T23:00:00.000-04:002014-07-19T00:22:22.955-04:00Pointed Fingers"Jesus, friend of sinners, open our eyes to the world at the end of our pointing fingers."<br />
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This lyric grabbed my heart and wrapped it up tight when I heard it today. It encapsulates everything important God has been instilling into my heart these past few years; lessons which I'm so very sensitive to now, and yet still so very guilty of.<br />
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How is it so easy to believe you're loving others when in fact you're really hating? Why is it so comforting to believe you're helping others when in fact you're tearing them down? Why are we so easily deceived into selfish, judgmental attitudes, and all the while believe we're pure and holy? Why is it just so easy and satisfying to point fingers instead of offering a listening ear, an understanding heart, and grace enough to cover the faults?<br />
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I think the <i>Frozen</i> songwriters got it absolutely right, too, with these words from the "Fixer-Upper" song: "People make bad choices if they're mad or scared or stressed. But throw a little love their way and you'll bring out their best." There's always a reason that people act the way they do; if only I could remember to care instead of to take offense and get all holier-than-thou...<br />
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Here's the entirety of that song by Casting Crowns, if anyone cares to read it or listen, because I find it so powerful:<br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tDc_r2_zVvY" target="_blank">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tDc_r2_zVvY</a><br />
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Jesus, friend of sinners, we have strayed so far away<br />
We cut down people in your name but the sword was never ours to swing<br />
Jesus, friend of sinners, the truth's become so hard to see<br />
The world is on their way to You but they're tripping over me<br />
Always looking around but never looking up I'm so double minded<br />
A plank eyed saint with dirty hands and a heart divided<br />
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Oh Jesus, friend of sinners<br />
Open our eyes to the world at the end of our pointing fingers<br />
Let our hearts be led by mercy<br />
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors<br />
Oh Jesus, friend of sinners, break our hearts for what breaks yours<br />
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Jesus, friend of sinners, the one who's writing in the sand<br />
Made the righteous turn away and the stones fall from their hands<br />
Help us to remember we are all the least of these<br />
Let the memory of Your mercy bring Your people to their knees<br />
Nobody knows what we're for, only what we're against, when we judge the wounded<br />
What if we put down our signs, crossed over the lines, and loved like You did<br />
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You love every lost cause; you reach for the outcast<br />
For the leper and the lame; they're the reason that You came<br />
Lord I was that lost cause and I was the outcast<br />
But you died for sinners just like me, a grateful leper at Your feet<br />
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'Cause You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever<br />
You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever<br />
You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever<br />
You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever<br />
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Oh Jesus, friend of sinners<br />
Open our eyes to world at the end of our pointing fingers<br />
Let our hearts be led by mercy<br />
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors<br />
Oh Jesus, friend of sinners, break our hearts for what breaks YoursAngelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392282421861704404noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4768479760980944563.post-49358409214926968022014-03-18T22:30:00.003-04:002014-03-18T22:37:51.666-04:00The Thinker, the Helper, and the OvercomerMy three littles are growing into bigs so quickly, every day I just want to pause and marvel at them. They each have such big personality, such uniqueness, such individuality. Even in their tiny bodies I can see the buds of their full-grown persons. I was thinking today, if I could describe each of them in one word, what would it be? This is what I came up with:<br />
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Jack: The Thinker...or The Planner.<br />
Either would work. He is a thinker. He pays quiet attention to everything, and thinks about it, and processes all the implications of it, and at the most random times spurts out some profound depth of understanding on issues I didn't even know he was aware of. He figures things out. He plans. He plans events, plans solutions to problems, plans how to get what he wants. He is not hindered or discouraged by any obstacle, but will immediately put his thinking brain to use to figure it out. He thinks about consequences of actions. He thinks about how to create things he loves. He thinks about details, and plans on a detailed level. He thinks about people's actions and what that means about how they feel, and makes a plan to help them feel better when he determines they need it. He is thoughtful and considerate, with a splash of wild. He loves to create, and thinks and plans each of his creations; there is a reason for every detail. <br />
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Safita: The Helper.<br />
She loves to help. She queries daily whether the bathroom is dirty yet so she can help clean it. She screeches for joy if she can help with the laundry. Her day is brightened if I ask her to set the table or clear the dishes. She loves to also help her brothers. She will help Jack with a plan he is thinking up during play time, and she will help Soren find a fun toy. She loves to take over caring for her baby brother, by feeding him, cleaning him, teaching him, reading to him, and the like. She is a reader and a story-teller. She also loves to help hurting hearts with encouraging words and hugs and kisses. She is tender and sensitive and intuitive. She has a bounce in her step and a flash of light in her eyes and a smile that makes the world melt away. She is simultaneously a tender flower and fierce tigress. And she shows her love to those around her by helping. <br />
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Soren: The Overcomer.<br />
He is strong and stoic, patient in the face of much adversity, yet also demanding of his basic needs. When something defeats him (for instance, a new challenge like the stairs or a misplaced cushion that makes him fall), he will stare down the villain of his defeat, then with a gleam of tenacity in his eye will repeat over and over and over again the same action that caused his fall or failure until he finally conquers it. He is fearless. Failure fuels him. If he encounters an obstacle, he will plow over it rather than go around. Where Jack faces obstacles by planning, Soren faces obstacles with brute strength by plowing them over. When he disagrees with imposed decisions about sleep time or which foods should be eaten, he resists with fervor until he overcomes. If he is not being understood, he will try idea after idea until his communication is received appropriately. He is sweet and kind and loving, full of ideas and fun mischief, mindful of his parameters, but he will be subdued or stopped by nothing. He is bright-eyed and full of energy. Obstacles are his playground of opportunity. Any challenging situation, he will push through until he has overcome.Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392282421861704404noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4768479760980944563.post-44123959707336563332014-02-23T23:08:00.000-05:002014-02-23T23:08:10.284-05:00The Accountability TrapMy little family is in a heavy season of life right now. And so, I'm often pondering heavy thoughts. Sometimes I feel bad that all I ever write about is heavy stuff, and not those cute anecdotes about the children's escapades or fun stories from our adventures out in the great wide world. But, this is where we are, and these are the words coming out of my head, and there will be a season for lightheartedness again.<br />
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Recently, I've been musing about the Golden Rule from Matthew 7:12, "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets." It's been one of those seasons in life when every basic truth I've ever known suddenly comes alive, and suddenly <i>I get it</i>! You know? It's not like it was ever hard to understand; it always made sense in my head. But now when my heart, soul, spirit, emotions, and every dimension or layer of my being understands what my mind always did, the truth comes to life and revives the soul! <br />
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The Golden Rule is golden for good reason. It's a good way to live our lives and to test our actions, and no one would contest it. But, it kind of seems like we're inconsistent in our use of it. What I mean is: when we are giving advice to others or confronting someone who's offended us, we are quick to claim the Golden Rule in our defense. Yet when the tables are turned--when we have been offended, or when we notice a failure in another--suddenly the Golden Rule becomes mere brass dulled against the glimmering responsibility of Accountability.<br />
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Keeping each other accountable is good and right and beneficial. Our human natures are cunning, and we are so good at lying to ourselves if the end result is pleasurable; Accountability keeps us honest with ourselves and with each other.<br />
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BUT.<br />
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It is my opinion that the Church (not intended to be all-inclusive) has gotten all bent out of shape on the subject of Accountability and is in need of a serious adjustment. Instead of a beautiful exercise in trust, grace, and forgiveness, Accountability has become a Bible-mandated permission slip for treating those with whom we don't agree with judgement, hostility, legalism, and a controlling spirit. <br />
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In many (dare I say most?) Christian circles, if someone is found to be guilty of an action that is either truly sinful or merely deemed sinful (by tradition or interpretation), what happens can be one, some or all of the following:<br />
- The "non-offenders" expose the guilt of the offender, often publicly, and preach eloquently about how far the offender has missed the mark; shame is a choice weapon.<br />
- The offender, if repentant, is subjected to "penance" activities as a means of reforming his/her behavior (heart??).<br />
- The offender, if not repentant, is chastised more harshly with shame-preaching, and if he/she remains unrepentant is cut off from the community of believers (ie, excommunicated).<br />
- Somehow...name-calling becomes okay, grace is no longer required, the lost sheep are pushed out of the fold rather than drawn in...all in the name of Love and Accountability.<br />
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<i>Because if we don't save their lost souls, then who will? </i><br />
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Hmm...I can think of one Name.<br />
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I get that the intent may be one of love, but I also think our human natures are more naturally drawn to justice, and our cunning hearts convince us that justice (judgement) is love. Such a theme could not be more un-Biblical. <br />
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So, what's wrong with this Accountability picture?<br />
- We're forgetting that we are all sinners, and that <i>every single</i> sin is defiance toward God and deserving of death, even if it is acceptable in our culture (yes, even in the church culture).<br />
- We fail to realize that <i>behavior</i> does not always reflect what's in the heart. Are we more concerned about people acting and looking right, or having hearts transformed by Christ?<br />
- We become arrogant and put too much stock in ourselves and forget that <i>it's not our job to save people</i>! God has given us one job: Love. Love God and love people. Period. Part of loving is bearing with each other, forgiving whatever grievances we have with one another, long-suffering, not judging, doing unto others as we'd have them do unto us...<br />
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I've found it helpful for myself, when faced with a decision on how to respond to an erring neighbor, to ask myself questions about how I would want to be treated in a similar situation:<br />
- When I fail, do I want others to publicly (or even privately) point out my failures and shame me? Or do I want them to gently take me aside and say, "Hey, I see that you're struggling, I'm here for you"?<br />
- When I fail, do I want others to preach Scripture at me like a verbal lashing? Or do I want them to gently remind me of God's grace and forgiveness and His strength to help me through?<br />
- When I fail, do I want to be cut off from the community until I acceptably change my ways? Or do I want to be brought in, accepted, supported, and helped?<br />
- When I fail, do I want to be treated with disrespect, to be judged and branded by what I do wrong, or treated as a person of value who struggles with sin (like every other person on the planet and in history) and be extended grace? <br />
- When I fail, do I want to be lashed, or come alongside and helped?<br />
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I've noticed in my own experience, when I am wrong and stuck in sinful behavior, what really gets my attention and pierces my heart with repentance...is <i>grace</i>. When people point out my flaws, preach Scripture at me, offer advice for how to fix myself and my problems, or in any way judge me and place themselves superior to me, the response in my heart is always the same: defensiveness, further hardening of heart, despising everything they say (even if I normally agree with it), developing pride and self-sufficiency, withdrawing into myself to not need or depend on anyone, and the list goes on. <br />
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But when I am wrong and stuck in sinful behavior, and someone comes to me and extends grace, loves me, encourages me, gives me hope, reminds me of Jesus' unfailing love, gets down on my level and helps me up...the kindness heaps burning coals on my head and I fall to my knees in deep repentance, despising my sin instead of the person who pointed it out, with whole-hearted motivation to change. I mean, really, most of the time we're all acutely aware of our shortcomings. What we need is not a finger pointing but a helping hand.<br />
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Any soldier will tell you, if a comrade falls in battle, he isn't shamed and left to die--he is helped and treated with honor! Believers, we are in this together. Our enemy is not each other. <br />
Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392282421861704404noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4768479760980944563.post-81807574775970042892014-01-27T21:00:00.000-05:002014-01-28T01:14:50.250-05:00Quagmire (warning: it's heavy)Facing giants is scary.<br />
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It makes you want to run away. Especially when those giants are in the mirror. <br />
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Lately, my giants are those <i>seem-nice-on-the-outside-but-nasty-on-the-inside</i> types, like Comparison, Entitlement, and Expectation. <br />
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It's hard not to compare. It's easy to feel entitled. It seems only natural to hold expectations about life and the people around us. But those ingredients mix up an enticing cocktail named Despair. <br />
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Comparing is always such a big temptation. Comparing my personality and presence; comparing my possessions; comparing my place in life; comparing my spiritual progress; comparing my kids and husband and their behaviors and accomplishments...I'm not sure what the lure is, if I think comparing will make me more content, or if trying to be like everyone else will make me happier, or if I'll gain respect by outwardly having it all "more together" than everyone else, or if I'll learn some grand life lesson that will change me forever...?<br />
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None of that really happens. We all know that. What <i>does</i> happen when I compare me and mine to others is that I begin to question my value as a person (because I'm not like so-and-so), I begin to question the value of my husband and children (because they don't behave or accomplish like such-and-such), I bury myself with unrealistic demands to make my life appear (or legitimately BE) more perfectly put together, I attempt to control those around me to fit into my grand plan of a perfect life, and I bulldoze any who color outside the lines I've drawn. Because <i>my</i> lines are obviously the <i>right</i> lines; the lines anyone else might draw (in my self-absorbed bubble) are irritating scribbles that impede the proper flow of life. <br />
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It's stifling. Comparisons stifle the beautiful creativity and individuality of each person, and of our communities as a whole. Differences among us are <i>beautiful</i> and <i>necessary</i>...how would the body function if all parts were the same? How would we ever discover new great ideas if we all thought the same? How, even, could we enjoy God's vastness if we all thought in the same dimension?<br />
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But I try and I try and I try and I try to be like those I hold as the standard, usually without even realizing that's what I'm doing or the futility of my endeavor, trying to create peace through the process of chaos...<br />
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It will never work. <br />
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And failure after failure, discouragement leads to frustration, and frustration leads to hopelessness, and hopelessness leads to despair, and despair leads to anger and--perhaps more dangerous--a sense of self-entitlement.<br />
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I see a sea of people who own homes and have steady jobs and whose kids get to live in one place and keep their friends year after year, people who have stability, connections, friends, the recipe of things I consider to make up "real" life...and after the wishful longing wears thin, entitlement sets in: Wait. Why are they better than me? Why does <i>everyone</i> else get everything good in life while I struggle? I deserve everything everyone else has! I deserve to have everything I want! I deserve to be happy! It's the American way, after all--<i>I</i> have <i>rights</i>!<br />
<br />
Do I? <br />
<br />
Here also Expectation rears its ugly head, because my rights to happiness include a long laundry list of expectations for life and for myself and for those people who surround me, mostly encompassing things to have and how to be. It is a carefully crafted list, tediously created (of course not consciously!!) over a lifetime, and always amending, but is a harsh taskmaster and demands every last (impossible) requirement be met before handing over the precious reward of happiness.<br />
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And because I can't control my life situation and cannot claim that dangling carrot for myself, I do the only last thing I can do...Blame everyone around me for their part in my misery...and ultimately, blame God. Why does God bless everyone else with good things except me? Why doesn't God love me??<br />
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Then in the seeming injustice of it all, I let myself become angry, and the comparisons become judgmental. The deception is that anger is always loud and eruptive. Anger can come in quiet shades, also, in the forms of a critical spirit, an ungrateful heart, a selfish sense of entitlement, hostility toward others' needs, a tendency to invalidate anyone else's opinions, an inability to accept fault yet noticing everyone else's, always looking on the negative side of life...the shades are endless.<br />
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These chaotic feelings of want and devastation and anger often lead me to try to control people or things around me--anything I can. Husband and children are easy targets, but it doesn't end there. I attempt to control my household by keeping unrealistic standards of cleanliness and organization. I might fall into shopping addiction by the lure of controlling what I am able to buy. I might even fall into spirituality addiction, because I can control how "good" I am in measurable ways that no one can judge. <br />
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These bottom-of-the-barrel times are hard, but they're also the times God's commands really make sense and feel less like stiff demands and more like cool water reviving a parched soul...<br />
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God says, "Do not covet." Coveting is basically comparing yourself, and wanting what others have.<br />
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God says, "Forgive and forget." Not, "Forgive, and then fix...everything that's wrong with them!" I tend to get so emotionally complicated when there's been an offense, especially in my marriage. I feel like I need to parse the issue, cut it apart and lay it open and assign responsibility to every last bit...I'm not saying it's not good to talk about things, but there does come a point when it does more harm than good. So, just forgive. Then forget about it. Then love the offender like they deserve it! Because they do, because God created them just as fearfully and wonderfully as he made me. It's God's job to save people, after all, not mine.<br />
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God says, "Be joyful always...give thanks in everything." You wanna know the surest way to punch these giants in the face? Gratitude. Comparison, Expectation, Entitlement don't stand a chance against a heart that's truly thankful for the priceless gifts God gives every day. <br />
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And when you really think--past all those selfish longings--we are all, even the most-worst-off ones of us!--deeply, deeply blessed. If we have life, we have unspeakable treasure--<i>life</i> is the most intimate and undeniable love beckoning of God to us! And if we have shelter, food, clothing, health, family, friends...we are blessed. <br />
<br />
I am learning to lay everything else down and simply love as Christ loves us. Unconditionally. No strings attached. Selflessly. Forgiving so much for the same offenses that it seems OCD. Without comparison, without expectation. It's hard. Good thing I don't have to do it by myself! <br />
<br />Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392282421861704404noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4768479760980944563.post-12073597459464279832013-11-01T23:33:00.000-04:002014-01-27T23:33:35.400-05:00Goodbye HouseThe time has come; we are finally moving on from "The House of Bad Dreams" (as Jack so eloquently calls this place). The kids don't seem at all sad, as they waved goodbye forever with a joyful "Hurray!" Once again, we find ourselves moving forward into the Great Unknown. And so, without further ado:<br />
<br />
Goodbye house with the big red room.<br />
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Goodbye bats with your flights of doom.<br />
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Goodbye crooked floors with your bounces and squeaks.<br />
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Goodbye mice with your drawer-dropped treats.<br />
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Goodbye little ants, with your armies amassed.<br />
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Goodbye termites who'll have the last laugh.<br />
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Goodbye millipedes, crunching under our feet.<br />
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Goodbye mold--we will not see defeat! <br />
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Goodbye spiders and your webs that anoint.<br />
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Goodbye breezes through the walls and the joints.<br />
<br />
Goodbye insulation that didn't exist.<br />
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Goodbye to the problems the landlords won't fix. <br />
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Goodbye ancient carpet with so many stories to tell.<br />
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Goodbye ugly paint that makes eyeballs swell. <br />
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Goodbye creepy butcher shop down below.<br />
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Goodbye garage door that was too low. <br />
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Goodbye cupboard drawers raining sawdust flakes down.<br />
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Goodbye ancient oven and stove top in brown.<br />
<br />
Goodbye tiny bathroom with leaks all around.<br />
<br />
Goodbye lost toys which will never be found. <br />
<br />
Goodbye house, with all your bad dreams. <br />
<br />
Your walls hold our memories; in this you're redeemed.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392282421861704404noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4768479760980944563.post-16104769357028994802013-10-09T22:00:00.000-04:002013-10-10T02:49:18.043-04:00The Best Gift of All<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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It was kind of a special day today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>More than kind of…it was a really special day
today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Beyond it being my birthday,
beyond the kind wishes and loving words and cards and cakes and dinners (which
were all amazing and very special)…In my heart the day was marbled with times
of quiet contemplation, and moments of deep fulfillment, and feelings of humble
sadness that are always resisted and labeled as <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">BAD</i> on days such as one’s birthday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But it was beautiful, because it was real, and it was the work of God,
and in it all there was genuine peace, and more than that—<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">gratitude</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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Every birthday as far back as I can remember has been
plagued by deep, dark, agonizing, relentless depression, covered over by a mask
of smiles and expected happiness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Expectations arising out of a yearning to be special wreaked havoc on my
soul…they were never met, never could be met, and each devastation piled burden
after burden on my heart and sent me hurling into the abyss of perceived
worthlessness…Until at some point, there just was plopped on my heart’s
doorstep The Annual Birthday Depression for no particular reason at all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It just came like clockwork, year after year,
for no reason at all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And each year it
brought with it The Menace of bigger and grander expectations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I have discovered, the bigger the
expectation, the bigger the devastation. But all of this carries a host of
baggage that cyber space doesn’t need to know…and the point is:
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The Menace was gone this year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There was nothing I did differently, no
special prayers or penance or exercises in optimism.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Definitely no illusions of personal
holiness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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But that humble sadness…that breaking of my heart in a
way that makes it whole again…that sorrow that visits in the form of calm and
peace, not in selfish anger, and leaves the soul feeling renewed and refreshed…That
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">repentance.</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nothing happened to make me feel sad; there
was no blinding awareness of sin to confess (other than the usual which I am
faced with daily!)…It did not come as a verb to be acted upon, but as a state
of being, as a gift.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And it brought with
it the realization that I am nothing, while God is Everything, and he can fill
my nothing with his everything.</div>
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Birthdays used to mean to me a sacred 24-hour period in
which I could expect—and be justified in expecting—the world to revolve around
me, to demand whatever I wanted, to indulge in whatever pleased me, and in
essence, bask in selfishness while others tried in vain to meet the bar of my
expectations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course, that’s not how
I thought about it in my mind, but that is the reality of it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Reality is ugly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I’m okay admitting it because I’m
understanding more and more that my “goodness” as a person doesn’t emanate from
my own goodness, but from Christ’s.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And admitting
that I struggle doesn’t reveal shocking weakness or failure, but a basic human struggle
with sin that affects <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">us all</i>, and
which Christ came to rescue us from!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“For
all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”</div>
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And so my most precious gift today from my most Beloved—the
Redeemer of my soul—was a gift of healing and freedom from selfish
expectation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was beautiful to be
truly thankful for the gifts I’ve already been given—the breath of life,
grace and forgiveness, precious people in my life to love, and endless blessings in every
direction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was amazingly freeing to
enjoy every little thing that was said and done for me today without constantly
measuring it up to some made-up bar, or comparing it to how others are treated
better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When expectations don’t exist, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">everything</i> is special.</div>
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I’m not sure how it happened, and I’m not sure why.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Which is how I know that it was truly a gift:
A gift of repentance and gratitude to gently lead my soul into peace. There was nothing I<i> did</i> but accept grace.</div>
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Even the skies proclaimed the glory of God, and concluded
this day in my most favorite way.</div>
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Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392282421861704404noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4768479760980944563.post-62341779201615172232013-10-07T02:20:00.000-04:002013-10-10T02:21:42.567-04:00Fall-time FunWe've been enjoying the beautiful fall weather!<br />
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Picnics and reading under the great Oak on a balmy late-September day... <br />
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Soaking in the enrapturing beauty of nature with hikes in the Adirondacks...<br />
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Getting one last dose of beach and boat...<br />
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Taking in the Fall Festivities...<br />
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And playing in the warm October rain...<br />
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How about you?<br />
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<br />Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392282421861704404noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4768479760980944563.post-6388822081464107022013-09-17T22:17:00.000-04:002013-09-17T23:21:02.784-04:00An Unexpected Heart BirthdayWhat started as another mundane, slightly-frustrating day in which circumstances out of our control have dissolved any effort to accomplish The Daily Schedule...<br />
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...and I get around to making a makeshift, less-than-healthy lunch much too late in the day...</div>
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...and I sit there feeling defeated, yet determined to make good use of the remaining day, while the children chatter over marshmallowy hot chocolate and greasy grilled cheese...</div>
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And as I wonder how I'm going to redeem this day--Suddenly, Divine Grace swoops in, through the mouth and heart of a 2-year-old, and I don't have to do anything, because God redeems it...<br />
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And along with it--most importantly--two tender little hearts.</div>
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It all started when, over lunch, Safita (2 years 9 months) brought up the subject of heaven. This topic is one of her favorites and she talks about it all the time. This precious girl already has a very deep and meaningful love for Jesus and desperately wants to go to heaven so Jesus can hold her, rock her, and best of all, tickle her! She asks often when she can go to heaven, and speaks of death (much to my dismay!!!) in positive terms: "When I die, and you die, and Jack dies, and Daddy dies, and Soren dies, we can all go to heaven and see Jesus!!" We have asked her casually many times if she wants Jesus to be her Savior, and she always is quick and excited to answer, "YESSS!!!!" Being only 2, though, we never took it much further, because we didn't know if she really understood what it meant (although we did make efforts to explain it)...and conversations would turn too quickly to really pursue it. </div>
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Jack (4 years 9 months), has left us a little confused over the last few months regarding what is going on in his spirit. He eats up talk about Jesus and the Bible, and loves learning the Bible stories, and has a basic 4-year-old understanding of theology down pretty good, and will occasionally "preach" to the youngers. However, whenever we happen to be talking about it and ask if he wants to ask Jesus into his heart, he always will say defensively, "He already is!" but can't elaborate on when or how. Additionally, when we talk about heaven and what it means (always in a positive way), he will get extremely moody and fall into an emotional abyss that lasts the entire day--which, as he communicates, is sadness over having to lose all his toys when he goes to heaven and fear about what it will be like there. I get it...sometimes eternity is a scary thought for me too. We've kind of been at a loss for how to respond, so we just comfort him and speak truth to him, and pray that Jesus will comfort his heart with the truth of Who He Is.</div>
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And then today, miraculously, heaven came up and there were only positive thoughts! In the course of talking, I told them how Jesus has promised to come back someday, and will appear in the clouds and blast a trumpet...Safita looked to the sky and called, "Jesus, where are you? Come on!" But I was careful to gently remind them that in order to go to heaven, we need to ask Jesus to be our Savior (there were no guilt trips or scare tactics). So we talked about what that means--what is a Savior? why do we need one? how does it change our hearts and behavior? since it's a covenant, what does God promise and what do we promise? etc. These types of conversations are always good, but often the kids get easily sidetracked on silly bunny-trails. It's an important decision, so we never push it, but try to just talk to them about it as far as they are ready. We just took it a step at a time, and to my surprise, they both stuck right with me and seemed eager to hear everything I told them, responding with wide eyes and eager head-nods. </div>
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So I probed, "Do you want to ask Jesus into your heart to be your Savior?" Both eagerly said yes. The response itself was so sincere, and different than other times we have asked the question. But I wanted to make sure, so I reminded them what it means, and they still said eagerly "Yes!" I led them in a prayer, sitting on the steps of the red room, stained with greasy fingers and chocolate mouths...and they both said it with conviction and sincerity.</div>
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Then we rejoiced with hugs and kisses and--of course--tickles! And praised God with the whole host of heaven that a new son and daughter of God have been born! </div>
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Welcome to the fold, little lambs.</div>
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Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392282421861704404noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4768479760980944563.post-55782195240464322022013-09-16T01:34:00.002-04:002013-09-16T01:39:29.416-04:007 Things I Hate About Homeschooling...and A Bunch I LoveWe have actually completed a whole week's worth of school! We made it a whole week. It's been a bit of a crazy, uncertain, fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants experience so far, but just like everything else new in life, we're starting to get a handle on what works and what doesn't. How to work our lessons into the kids' spontaneous play. How to work with interests instead of forcing tasks. I'll state up front, it's probably a good deal my own fault that we're struggling as much as we are, and here's why:<br />
<ol>
<li>I'm not organized.....Honestly, we didn't really plan to homeschool until a week before regular schools started; we put it off because we didn't know when we were moving or where we would be, and still thought we might try to enroll him somewhere when we settled (which we thought would be soon). When I realized The Time was upon us, I did some frantic research and got myself nice and overwhelmed, and then sat on it for a while because I didn't know what to do with all the information, and wasn't even sure I could pull it off at all. After the regular schools had been in session for a full week, I figured I had better get my act together, and it's been a bit of a "ready or not, here we come!" kind of week. Emphasis on the "not." I'm sure it will be a whole lot easier if I actually get prepared so that I know what we're doing and we can have some structure. </li>
<li>I'm not prepared.....A natural byproduct of being unorganized, I don't have many of the resources I need ready to go. Each morning can be a bit of a scramble with mad dashes to the printer, or with me trying to think on my feet. I think I cover my harried, stressed feelings okay, but the main point is that my unpreparedness translates to boredom for the kids. It could be way more fun, and even spontaneous, if I knew ahead of time which direction we were heading. </li>
<li>I'm not sure what to expect.....I don't have an early education degree and haven't researched it, so I really don't know what is appropriate to expect from a kindergartener in terms of focus, which subjects to study, how much time to spend on each subject, and what he should be able to do with writing, reading, and math, etc. Reading through several homeschool informational websites has been both helpful and confusing, because some say that for this age you should just read to them in an unstructured setting and have fun, and others say they should be able to read (on their own!) simple words and do basic addition/subtraction <i>before</i> entering kindergarten...and then everything in-between. I do understand that trying to do too much will burn him out and suffocate his eagerness to learn. I also fear being solely responsible if he fails to meet basic academic benchmarks on target. It's extra challenging if I don't know what those benchmarks are. </li>
<li>I was leaning too heavily on free printables.....The existence of free printables is GREAT, no question. However, you can abuse the value of them if you're not organized (which we've established that I am not); they just become random busywork instead of valuable teaching aids. Also, the ones I had found were for the kids to color as we learned, which is fun...I thought. Apparently, the black-and-white pictures and plain lined paper was just striking the kids with Boredom Bug like nothing else! We went out yesterday and found Jack a brightly colored workbook that includes fun activities in addition to the lined writing, and is organized with a purpose to the activities(!), and we can hardly pry him away from it. He sneaks off with his book and pencil at every chance he gets, and he begs, "I just want to play school!" So there's a win. </li>
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Okay, so now that we've covered my downfalls as a teacher, following is my list of frustrations with homeschooling...our flawed system, at least...I'm confidant that there's an easier and better way to do things, but we're still figuring it out! In the meantime:<br />
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<li><b>It takes away my play time with the younger ones</b>.....It kills me when--myself being in the middle of a lesson with Jack--I suggest to Safita that she work on a puzzle, and instantly her spirit perks, her step bounces, her eyes glimmer, and she rushes over energetically with that hopeful, excited twinkle in her eyes...and I realize, she took my suggestion as a much-craved invitation to play together. And I can't say no to her--<i>shouldn't</i> say no to her!--but I'm in the middle of helping Jack with letters and also can't leave him to fend for himself. What do you do??? How can you be fully invested in 2 (assuming the baby is asleep, otherwise 3) children at the same time? I feel like I'm robbing precious time from the younger two, because when Jack was in preschool, I would spend the time he was away with Safita (baby wasn't in the picture yet); it was our special alone time, and she ate it up! With homeschooling, not only is that special time for the young ones gone, but it's almost like they get more neglected because the older one is getting <i>more</i> attention. How is this unfortunate situation balanced??!!</li>
<li><b>It forces the younger kids to grow up faster by being immersed in school too young</b>.....I don't think this point is all bad. There's a part of me that thinks it's amazing and wonderful that my 2-year-old can count to 11 by herself and already knows a lot of the letters, and is perfect with colors and shapes, etc...But, related to the point above, she shouldn't have to be <i>either</i> bound by a schedule <i>or</i> sent off to play by herself for the duration of our school-day. And the baby...he deserves more than being a fixture on my hip; he deserves intentional interaction and tickles and giggles. </li>
<li><b>Sometimes, I just want to be Mommy, and not Teacher</b>.....I do love being so intimately involved in my child's education. I love being so close to the learning process that I can see how he thinks, what excites him, what frustrates him, and watch the delight when he gets something right for the first time! But there are lots of struggles throughout the learning process, and we all know that it's easier for a child to disrespect his mother than his teacher, and it's just downright confusing when they're one and the same! For both of us. I always try to be gracious, but struggle with knowing when to be firm (specifically with having him do things a certain way, like how he holds his pencil or the order in which he writes his letter-lines) without letting school become a time of discipline and negativity. I also question what's the appropriate amount of praise to give him--as a mother, every new thing he learns is super exciting and I'm as excited as he is! But I've read there is danger to over-praising a child...which I'm not sure I buy...perhaps in extreme cases: "Look how awesomely you dotted that 'i'!!!!! That's the most amazing dot I've ever seen in my life!!!!...other than the last 10 you just did...which were equally awesome!!" Sometimes, I just want to praise his efforts without thinking critically about his work, or address his behavior without fearing that I'll steal his zest for learning. </li>
<li><b>I don't want my kids to miss out on valuable respectful relationships with other adults</b>.....Seeing Jack develop a deep affection for his preschool teachers was heartwarming; and watching him act respectfully toward them without instruction from me was amazing. It was refreshing for both of us to have other adults in a position of authority over him with whom he had to interact on a regular basis. I don't know that I want to lose that.</li>
<li><b>I don't want my kids to miss out on valuable relationships with other kids</b>.....Siblings are the best kind of friends, except when they're not--because it's just too easy act "real" (i.e., without restraint) with those to whom you're closest. I'm not advocating superficial relations--not at all! I'm advocating learning social graces that are easier learned with peers who aren't always in your face, pushing your buttons, and who don't know all your secrets. The art of making friends, keeping friends, surviving in a social arena...it's hard to re-create outside of a school setting. The social issues that might come up in school will be different than what would come up at home, and will provide invaluable opportunities to train our children in Godliness. Also, I just want my kids to experience the joy of having good friends! Just yesterday, while driving in the car, Safita (who is 2) lamented sadly, "I don't have any friends anymore." Jack kindly tried to comfort her, "Yes, we do!" and listed off some of his friends from preschool with whom she had tagged along on play dates. She knew better, and protested, "But <i>I</i> don't!" My heart was absolutely breaking to pieces...It's true, and because we're always moving, there's almost nothing we can do. But school could help, because kids are there. </li>
<li><b>It's hard finding the balance between requiring too much or too little</b>.....And once I figure it out with one, the next kid will be different. This issue also ties in with my comments above about not being familiar with standard expectations for different age groups or even just state requirements--a little research here would go a long way! This point is a testament to my under-preparedness more than anything. Still, I simultaneously feel like I'm either pushing too hard or completely missing the mark...or both! My chants of "It's only Kindergarten...It's only Kindergarten..." are especially helpful during these moments of insecurity. </li>
<li><b>That nagging sense of utter failure if we can't or don't continue with homeschooling, or if we do it less than "well"</b>.....There seems to be an increasing mindset that homeschooling (and/or alternative schooling) is the better way--or at least an increasing number of people who do it. I am definitely in favor of homeschooling, but I also think the best education for each child depends on many factors, including the schools available and the child's own temperament, wishes, and goals for the future. There are some goals that simply cannot be achieved through homeschool. And some that can<i> only</i> be achieved through homeschool. It just seems that homeschooling--until you figure out how to not care--carries an extra burden of stress upon the parents' abilities to teach. What if your kids aren't as smart as other kids? How do you know if they have a learning disorder, or if you have a teaching disorder? If that stress is fickle, there's still the deeper responsibility that <i>you</i> are in charge of enriching their young minds through a myriad of subjects, of which you have no capacity of being an expert. As if it isn't enough to be responsible for their physical, nutritional, emotional, and spiritual well-being, you now also must stimulate and inspire them mentally! It is daunting. And it's only Kindergarten. </li>
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I've made a pretty good case against homeschooling here, if I do say so myself! But since that's not my intent, let me end by sharing all the things I <i>love</i> about teaching my kids at home:<br />
<ol>
<li><b>The excitement of learning, discovering, and exploring with my kids</b>.....Life is a process of learning, and I get as excited (or sometimes even more) as the kids do about the various things we get to learn about. The added bonus is, their excitement is contagious! Homeschooling is like an organized fashion of doing things we already wanted to be doing together (quality time!!)--and getting credit for it! I'm pretty sure kids learn better when they're having fun and interacting with the subject.</li>
<li><b>I get to tailor their education to the things that interest them</b>.....When we have a bat infestation in our house, we can study the benefits and habits of bats for our Science lesson. When a thunderstorm scares the kids, we can learn about what makes them boom. Best of all, when we learn in the History book about loom weights and flints used by people long ago, we can run to Daddy in the next room and ask him to show us a real one from his collection of ancient things (if anyone doesn't know, Daddy is an archaeologist). </li>
<li><b>I get to be intimately involved in what my kids are learning</b>.....That all-too-well-known motherly question, "What did you learn at school today?" I used to think was just conversation fluff. But now that I'm a mother, I DO actually really care with invested interest what my child learned at school. The answers aren't always direct or informative, though, and with homeschool--it doesn't matter! I know exactly what my kids learned because I taught it to them! The added bonus is that it's also easy to build on certain lessons when life situations arise: Because I know what we learned, when a perfect life example arises, we can emphasize what we learned. </li>
<li><b>I love seeing how their minds are working and processing info</b>.....It helps me understand them better in general.</li>
<li><b>It's flexible and allows for life to happen</b>.....I, personally, prefer to have a <strike>rigid </strike>set schedule for school time--to do it every day at the same time for the same length of time, like a task that we can cross off when we're done. That type of schedule, however, was not preferred by my 2-year-old and 5-month-old. So, the other day at the beginning of school time, when Safita looked up at me with her big, beautiful, twinkling brown eyes and asked excitedly, "Can we play store?" I hesitated, then said, "Yes, let's do it." And instead of learning on paper, we learned colors, sorting, reading, and counting while we played shopping at the grocery store. (The kids were none-the-wiser that we were learning while we played!) It's also nice that spontaneous trips or fun outings are not problematic, because we can either take school with us or just push it off a day. </li>
<li>I'm sure there's a whole lot more, but I don't have the brain capacity to think anymore! Leave your favorite things about homeschooling in the comments--I'd love to hear them!</li>
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Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392282421861704404noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4768479760980944563.post-68056950687381861212013-09-13T22:00:00.000-04:002013-09-14T01:51:47.716-04:00Homeschool Starts with "H"<i>Homeschool</i>. <br />
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It's been on my mind since I was in school myself, thinking ahead to my future kids and the pros and cons of educating at home. I even wrote a college paper on it. Despite being an introvert, I loved the social aspect of going to school, and couldn't imagine what I anticipated would be the extreme loneliness and boredom of homeschooling. And, there are stigmas with homeschooling...<br />
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Yet, for some reason, I somehow always thought or <i>felt</i> that it was the way to go. Especially when I decided during the course of my masters degree that it was essential to teach my yet-unborn children Biblical Hebrew, Koine Greek, and Historical Geography of the Bible--how can you add so much at home to their already heavy school schedules without completely smothering them??? Not to mention the anticipated resistance. <br />
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And then I got married and had real kids about whom to make real decisions. And my husband has his own ideas about what good education looks like, having attended a great school himself, and we have to wrestle together about what is best for our <i>real</i> children at this <i>present time</i> in life. Ideals are great, so long as they work in real life!<br />
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Our oldest boy is very social. He can make friends in 30 seconds flat, and they are important to him. After 2 years of preschool, I really thought there was no chance of getting him to agree to homeschool, because he just loved his teachers and classmates so much. However, our nomadic life being what it is--with another impending move to an unknown location--combined with his age (his birthday falls 2 days past the cutoff!), made it a little bit impossible to think about conventional school. (We know he's young. We were looking for a post-preschool/ pre-kindergarten type of program.) We couldn't just let him languish for a year, so homeschool was our only option.<br />
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At first, the thought of it scared me to death. I can't keep up as it is, so how on earth can I add such a huge, all-encompassing task to my plate?! Then I started looking into it, and though still overwhelmed, I started to get excited, because it seemed that the curriculum and activities involved in homeschool were filled with exciting books and projects that I've already been wanting to do with my kids and just never got organized enough to do. Hooray!! Then I got excited thinking about how much extra meaningful time I would be able to spend with them, without the nagging thoughts that I should be doing all these other "useful" or "important" things--because school is useful and important, and you just can't argue with it. <br />
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(Not to say that spending time simply playing with your kids is not useful or important, because it hugely is!!! There's just something about unstructured play time that makes the dishes and the crumbs and the laundry shout a little louder.)<br />
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I knew I would never keep up trying to pick and choose from different curriculum and working out my own lesson plans. But, we couldn't afford the all-in-a-box programs, and I wasn't super-thrilled with the free options we came across (although, to be fair, I did not explore them in any depth; it was more of a first-impressions approach). So, our solution for the time being is to scour the book lists of highly-acclaimed curriculum and get the same books through the library, while adding in a few extra learning aids and workbooks. There are only a few things we can't get, and I don't think they're critical. <br />
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I have to admit, I'm feeling absolutely maniacally chaotic! I am one minute overwhelmed with untamable excitement and fervor...and the next moment am a heap on the floor sobbing about how I'm failing my children in every possible way. Yeah. You never would've guessed, but sometimes I can be a drama queen. <br />
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Really, the only way I get through every day (whether trying to not push too hard or completely give up!) is to repeat to myself over and over and over: <br />
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It's only Kindergarten. It's only Kindergarten. It's only Kindergarten<br />
IT'S ONLY KINDERGARTEN!!!<br />
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We're going to find our way. I'm sure of it. With lots of help from those who have gone before, and most importantly, help from the Author of Knowledge. <br />
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<i>But not before I purge my complaints... </i><br />
(stay tuned)<br />
<br />Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392282421861704404noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4768479760980944563.post-3197498905436435002013-09-01T22:00:00.000-04:002013-09-02T02:15:05.462-04:00The American Dream, or the American Idol?I have to say up front: It is <i>hard </i>and <i>stressful</i> and, sometimes, downright <i>impossible</i> being destitute.<br />
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Destitute in an American sense, that is--where we can live well below the poverty line but still have a home and a car and everything that we truly <i>need</i> to survive. <br />
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It's painful to write about our struggles; it's embarrassing to admit that we're struggling to even survive...But as miserable as it can be and as desperately as I hope this time to be over, God is teaching my heart some beautiful things through it, and I feel like I should share it...<br />
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Often, when we face difficult circumstances, we buckle down and try to hold on, to just "white-knuckle" it until we get through. But that response is a form of self-dependence, and causes us to miss out on <i>God</i>-dependence. Hard times--I'm starting to get it through my thick skull!--are like a personal invitation from God for us to come, sit, be still, and see His greatness. To sit and watch in awe and wonder the power He wants to work in our lives. If you've ever watched the Northern Lights dance across the night sky--so stunning, so amazing--I imagine it like that. It's scary to let go--I know! I'm your classic holder-on-er do-it-myself-er!<br />
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But even if we let go, <i>He</i> never lets go of <i>us</i>!<br />
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And it frees us to stand in awe of Him, to let Him work something more beautiful than we could have, and to well up our hearts with an overwhelming fountain of praise.<br />
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Our battle is not just against our own selves, however. The enemy knows he is not as powerful as God, and so he tries to feed us lies about God. <br />
<i>Is God really good?</i><br />
<i>Does God love us?</i><br />
<i>What have we done to deserve this?</i><br />
<i>God doesn't care about us...</i><br />
The list is endless!<br />
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After 2 years of full-time job-hunting, in any field, across the globe, even being denied positions at fast food and factory and gas station companies, while many faithful Christians are praying for us...and the insecurity requiring frequent uprooting...we have fallen into discouragement about God's provision for us. I wish we were stronger. I guess we just got tired, and then confused, and then the lies started to sound too good to our sore hearts, and it got easier to entertain them.<br />
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For me, personally, one of the main lies I have entertained is that I have done something wrong or not been good enough, and this unending hardship is God's punishment for my spiritual failures, and it will continue until I can figure it out and get myself together. It's so easy to believe sometimes!<br />
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But as our pastor stated today, "God is not a mafia boss!" He doesn't come around checking to see if you've paid what you owed or behaved in the right manner, and beat you if you haven't! He doesn't work like that. The good news is, we KNOW that we've failed! We fail every day of our lives, and there's no way we'll ever live up to God's standard.<br />
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<i>"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."</i> Romans 3:23<br />
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Yeah, that doesn't sound like good news at all. But it is, because it means that our <i>hope</i> is not in our own goodness. Our hope is in God's <i>greatness</i>! The fundamental mistake is to begin with ourselves and not God--all of life, all of everything, begins and ends with God. It's not about us at all.<br />
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We often think--and it's so easy to--that we build up a moral rapport with God, and He is then obliged to bless us. The reverse of that is that He will punish us if we are less than perfect. In reality, we are morally bankrupt, and only Jesus offers us a perfect record, if we will merely <i>accept His grace</i>!<br />
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So, back to that American dream...It's kind of what I've been chasing and worshiping in my heart. It's what I dream of to keep myself going each day, and I think, "When my husband has a job, and we have a home, and we can afford to pay our bills and provide good things for our children--THEN, everything will be okay." I have idolized money, comfort, worldly security. I am looking to <i>things</i> to save us.<br />
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Another thing our pastor said today that really struck a chord with me is this: "People get discouraged because they're chasing their idols, and come to church to learn how to pray in order to get their idol...They leave rejuvenated, but through the week get discouraged again because it didn't work, after all, and come back the next week to get another 'dose'...But make <i>Christ</i> your treasure, and the stuff won't matter!" <br />
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It's not about the stuff. You can have the stuff or not have the stuff. God loves us and wants to give us good things, but it's our hearts that matter, and making sure our priorities are right. <br />
<br />Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392282421861704404noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4768479760980944563.post-30707815203351226482013-08-29T22:00:00.000-04:002013-08-30T14:26:56.043-04:00I Feel Like We Live in a Bat Cave<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Today we finished the fourth and final round of the rabies vaccine, and I am SO thankful it is over! We have shied away from the normal (aggressive) vaccine schedule because of concern over the potentially harmful side effects (from definitively harmful ingredients), and so giving these tiny children such an intense vaccine has been incredibly hard on me. Stressful, scary, emotionally trying, a huge exercise in trusting God.<br />
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All this trauma is due to bats. Ridiculous bats who think the foam ceiling in our big "red room" is a great place to call home. The house we currently live in is old, and not well-built, and has holes and crevices <i>everywhere</i>...and so we've had a lot of problems with critters of all kinds. We first were introduced to the bat problem last November, but we were able to catch the bat and remove it, and didn't see more for several months. We <i>heard</i> them in the ceiling, but assumed it was mice. We now know better.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.ryanphotographic.com/images/JPEGS/Fruit%20bats%20in%20cave%20on%20islet%20off%20Waigeo%20coast%20Raja%20Ampat%20West%20Papua%20IMG_2040.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://www.ryanphotographic.com/images/JPEGS/Fruit%20bats%20in%20cave%20on%20islet%20off%20Waigeo%20coast%20Raja%20Ampat%20West%20Papua%20IMG_2040.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">this is how I envision the space between the ceiling and the roof!</td></tr>
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The bats, of course, decided that the perfect time to reintroduce themselves was during the 2 1/2 weeks that Owen was overseas and I was home alone with the children. And they opted for the big-impact introduction by waking me at 3am flying low circles over my head. I think there were two, but honestly, I'm just not sure; it was pretty disorienting and I woke in a frenzy! The baby had been nursing, and so, of course, was lying next to me.<br />
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Over the next couple weeks, they continued to come out at night, flying circles through the house, but also seeking me out specifically as if to taunt me or stake their claim on this living space. I would immediately follow them to try to catch them, but they always disappeared into thin air. One night, I was successful in locating their nest entrance, which is in the corner of the ceiling above Owen's office...where he often works at night...<i>c r e e p y</i>...<br />
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I was grossed out, for sure, and dedicated to finding a resolution to the problem. However, until several people raised concerns about our health and safety, I have to admit I hadn't really thought about that. I started researching about interactions with bats, and grew increasingly alarmed at what I read! The rabies scare was especially alarming. So, I decided it would be best to just go to the doctor to talk it over, but our regular family doctor doesn't deal with rabies cases, so they referred us to the ER. I felt silly going to the ER for something that may not even be an issue, but we went with it--better safe than sorry, right?<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">why are these guys so cute??</td></tr>
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The ER had to call the Health Department, and the director there had to interview me about our situation to determine our need (because they help pay for the vaccines)...They determined that we should get the vaccine to be safe, because:<br />
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Bats are huge carriers of rabies. Bat bites and scratches can be completely indiscernible, and can occur while you're sleeping without you even knowing. By the time symptoms of rabies start to appear (anywhere from 2 weeks to 6 months), it's too late to treat, and it's always fatal. Since the disease attacks your nervous system, there is no test that can determine if you have it, except post-mortem. Therefore, the vaccine is recommended to anyone, especially children, who have found bats in their room while sleeping...I also read somewhere (not sure of the source) that bat feces, if handled, can cause paralysis and sudden death, and we do have their droppings around...But on the other side, it's an intense vaccine that carries a risk of neurological damage.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">how I think of bats right now, haha</td></tr>
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I really struggled with this decision. It seemed like an impossible decision, like a gamble with my children's lives! How can I choose between death or permanent handicap? I lose them either way. Obviously, that is a worst-case-scenario mindset...It's possible the bats we have in our house don't have rabies. It's also possible that the bats never touched any of us. We just don't know. So after much wrestling, and frantic calls for support, I knew I couldn't bear to live the next 6 months in fear, not knowing if one day one (or more) of my children would show symptoms of rabies, and die painfully before my eyes with me being helpless to do anything. Every cough or sniffle or headache from here on out would have me paralyzed with fear...I couldn't do it. We placed ourselves in God's hands and have been praying like madmen that He will protect us from any adverse reactions. So far, we've all seemed well, until tonight, when poor Soren kept waking from sleep screaming and writhing in pain, unable to be comforted! The kids get the same dose as I do, so I can only imagine how it's affecting their little bodies!<br />
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I'm scared. I feel helpless. It's my job to protect these little treasures, and it's killing me that I can't! And so God is teaching me the hard way, that I <i>must</i> trust that He loves them more and He is able to protect them. I <i>must</i>, not out of legalism, to merely obey the command to "trust in the Lord;" I <i>must</i>, because it's the only way I will survive. Surely the One who grew their bodies one cell at a time and breathed the life into their bodies is able to protect and sustain them. His call to trust and faith, I'm realizing in my need, is less an order and more a kindness--a promise that He is <i>able</i> and <i>willing</i> to help. I'm trying to remember that my awareness of the danger doesn't change His power to protect us. He knows, even when I do not; He knew the bats were there long before I had any idea, and He protected us all along, before I knew to pray. <br />
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<br />Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392282421861704404noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4768479760980944563.post-47062524451123209282013-07-23T22:00:00.000-04:002013-07-26T01:35:40.112-04:00Inspiration in the MundaneAs I was driving home from errands today, passing by some distant neighbors on our road, I saw the coolest thing:<br />
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An old man in his wheelchair, in the middle of his yard, weed-whacking!<br />
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It was so inspirational to me, because probably most elderly people (or even younger people) who are confined to wheel chairs would think to themselves, "I can't do that," and leave it to someone else. And that would be totally justifiable! Who knows what his story is, but he was determined to not be confined or limited by his circumstances, and that is exceptional. <br />
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I wanted to stop and cheer him on with a "Way to go!"...then wondered if I should instead offer to help...but with 3 tired kids in the car and 2 of them crying and a trunk full of perishable groceries, I resigned to cheer silently from behind the tinted windows of my minivan...re-inspired to be creative in the difficulties I face. Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392282421861704404noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4768479760980944563.post-32131576136055403082013-07-21T22:00:00.000-04:002013-07-25T02:08:22.607-04:00The Moon's Best FriendGoodness, it's been a long break! So many life changes have kept me perpetually reeling and frantically trying to keep from drowning, let alone keep up! Here's to another try at keeping <i>this</i> up! (Birth story is coming soon!)<br />
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Last night, we were driving home from a visit to the grandparents. It was dark, and hot--so hot!--and the sky was clear with just a few clouds hovering at the perimeter of the horizon. We watched God's fireworks as we drove--lightning of various colors and intensities flashing across the sky ahead and around us. But the sky above was clear, and the moon was bright, and the stars were twinkling. As the storm drew closer to us and we to it, we found ourselves pummeled under torrential downpours of beating rain, and temperatures cooled--praise God!! And the moon glimmered from behind the storm clouds.<br />
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Then, when we had passed through the rain, we could see the stark edge of the dark storm cloud, still flashing intermittent lightening; and directly next to the storm cloud gleamed the bright, clear, calm moon. I wish I could have taken a picture...It was like the storm cloud and the moon were old pals, just hanging out enjoying the evening together. The moon, at any rate, did not let the chaos and turbulence of the storm affect its calmness and peacefulness. At times it was hidden by darkness; at times it was diffused and shrouded by clouds; at times it was crisp and clear.<br />
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The image of it just struck me so profoundly, though. How the storms of life, no matter how frightening or torrential they may be, are nothing more than a shroud preventing our eyes from <i>seeing</i> God's goodness. His goodness never ceases. The moon was unphased by the storm because the moon is above the storm...just as God is above the storms we face, and unphased by them. His peace reigns supreme in chaos, and we can share that peace by trusting His goodness even when we can't see it.<br />
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In church, the pastor exhorted: "Never make the mistake of thinking that God not answering is God not being sovereign." He gave the example of Joseph, how for years life just kept getting harder and harder for him, and it seemed God had deserted him. But all the while, God was preparing him for a position in which he could save thousands of lives, including his own family, who had left him for dead. He probably felt so abandoned and forgotten by God...useless...his life and his dreams wasted...promises of God failed...perhaps even questioning what he'd done wrong to deserve such punishment...But look what happened--overnight he went from prison-mate to prince.<br />
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Many of us are so familiar with Jeremiah 29:11, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" He just doesn't say how long it might take to get there or which paths we'll have to tread. I keep forgetting that that is what faith is for...Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392282421861704404noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4768479760980944563.post-75952522996826921852013-03-31T22:43:00.000-04:002013-03-31T22:43:38.813-04:00Some Thoughts on Easter WeekHappy Easter, all! <br />
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The power and meaning of this day is unsurpassed--Christ is victorious, death is defeated! What could be more important for souls doomed for eternal death, than the offer of eternal life? And only for the cost of surrender. <br />
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Last week, on Palm Sunday, the pastor of the church we attended discussed, "What is the meaning of Palm Sunday?" I realized, and am ashamed to admit, that I never really thought about that (and I'm a Bible school graduate!)--it's always just been a fun time to wave palm branches around! I was eager to hear his answer, and deeply moved by it. Here it is, the true meaning of Palm Sunday:<br />
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"Before Jesus did what he said he would do, people acknowledged <i>who he was</i>." <br />
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I don't know about you, but this statement is powerful for me. How often in my life do I falter in faith because I have to wait (heaven forbid!) for God to fulfill a promise, and I get all complainy and accuse God of not caring for me, and all other sorts of childish reactions. Palm Sunday is about people believing in Jesus' claim and promise that he was the Messiah who would save them, before he had proven himself true, and asking in hope for him to fulfill his promise. They cried, "Save us now, Victorious One!" <br />
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The life of faith is all about this: Before we see it done, we declare it and we receive it. <br />
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And today, on Easter Sunday, we remember that he did. He did what he said he would do, as terrible as it was. He is the Victorious One who has saved us. May my faith increase as I wait on him to fulfill his other promises to me!<br />
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<br />Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392282421861704404noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4768479760980944563.post-56836994007456936002013-03-29T22:54:00.000-04:002013-03-29T23:16:03.954-04:00What's In A ChurchDue to our frequent moving, it seems like we're on a perpetual church hunt. It's fairly wearisome for us, for several reasons:<br />
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<li>Once we find a church we like and make connections with people, it's hard and sad to leave.</li>
<li>Church hopping takes a lot of energy to research and plan where to go, followed by weeks of disappointment and eventual discouragement if we'll ever find a place to belong.</li>
<li>It can be discouraging to see how widespread mediocrity, lukewarmness, and apathy are in the Church; it is amazingly hard to find a spiritually vibrant church, and we've been to A LOT. This statement has been true for us in every location we've lived; it does not single out any particular geographic area. </li>
<li>It's harder with kids, because even if we find a church that we (the parents) like, it's often not a good fit for the kids, and visa versa. </li>
<li>We always have to revisit the question, "What is important to us in a church?" This question is loaded, and usually takes us some time to figure out. </li>
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We both tend to prefer the Episcopal tradition of church: Owen was raised in it, and I have grown to deeply appreciate the reverence, the tradition, the focus on Scripture, the congregational involvement in readings and prayers, and I also really love hymns! A good Episcopal church, to me, seems very in tune with what church was like in antiquity. The trouble we find, however, is that many churches in this denomination consist of a handful of elderly members just taking life easy in their comfortable pews...Now, there's nothing wrong with the elderly people! They are always very kind and welcoming! My point is more that the churches seem to be dying rather than thriving. And, we also would like the opportunity to connect with people of all ages, including our own, and for our kids to not make up the entire Sunday School class.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">a dying church (this picture seemed funny to me, I couldn't resist!)</td></tr>
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In our recent search, we have been coming across all the same frustrations and were beginning to lose heart, until we did a Google search for "cool churches in (our current region)." And, boy, did Google come through! We found the coolest church ever, where the worship service is like a concert, complete with lights and smoke; the announcements are done via hip video; the kids' area has a giant built-in tree jungle gym; there's a fancy, staffed coffee shop in the foyer, along with leather couches and all kinds of "cool" things.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This photo is of the actual church I am discussing...so cool.</td></tr>
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Our first time there, we kind of brushed it off as an over-the-top mega church that was more focused on the production of church than the meaning of it...But, the pastor's sermon was really good, so we went back...And again. We've been there 3 times now, and we think we're going to stay, and here's why:<br />
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<li>First and foremost, beyond all the fanfare, this church is undeniably and unashamedly Bible-based and Spirit-driven. There are no feel-good, easy messages, but always (ok, always in the 3 times we've been there!) words straight from God's Word leading to conviction and spiritual sharpening without condemnation. And, it doesn't hurt that these messages are delivered in an interesting manner (boring or disorganized deliveries tend to distract us from the message behind it). We come away feeling like we met God, and are excited to go back. </li>
<li>They're involved in their community and the world in ways that seem to really matter. So, they practice what they preach. </li>
<li>The people are really friendly! This aspect is so important and often overlooked. It's amazing that even in such a large church, we are never allowed to disappear in the crowd--someone is always singling us out. </li>
<li>There are lots of kids! And a healthy variety of people of all ages, including our own. In addition, the kids' area is set up really nicely and the Sunday School helpers are kind (something you would expect yet is not always the case). </li>
</ul>
So, for this phase of our lives, we're bidding adieu to traditional, liturgical church and embracing the cool, modern church. Because that's where we found God's presence. And that's what really matters.<br />
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Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392282421861704404noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4768479760980944563.post-8132795702152087102013-03-26T22:00:00.000-04:002013-03-27T00:32:35.384-04:00Maintaining and WaitingOkay, so life has been a little out-of-control busy for us for the last several months, so unfortunately the blog had to take a back burner. I'm going to try to be more diligent now...<br />
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The exciting news in our lives right now is the much-anticipated and imminent birth of our third baby! He is due immediately, and has been teasing us for weeks with the anticipation of an earlier arrival, and yet is still holding on tight to his comfortable little world. In general, we are content to wait until he's ready; we certainly don't wish to force away from him his last few precious days in my womb, to which he can never return. However, as I mentioned, he's also been teasing us for this whole month with various signs of impending labor, then retracting as if nothing happened. The continued anticlimactic anticipation has been leaving us emotionally weary and confused, not to mention extra ready for him to come NOW! We are just so excited to meet this little guy!<br />
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The other challenge I am having is the daily face-off with my nesting instinct. Over the last several weeks, we've been crazy trying to get everything ready for baby: there were projects to accomplish, rooms to paint, baby gear to clean, and birth supplies to prepare, not to mention the usual housecleaning and home maintenance. And nesting sometimes means needing things done that seem unnecessary to others! For about two weeks we've had everything in satisfactory condition--by no means have we accomplished <i>everything</i> we would like, but at least the necessary things--and have been focusing on maintaining. Daily we endeavor to keep our home and ourselves in optimal condition for the onset of labor, assuming it could happen at any moment. We feel it is especially important since we are having a home birth and will be welcoming various different people into our home for assistance during the birth.<br />
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Our home needs to be clean. Our bodies need to be rested. Our supplies and preparations need to be ready. This sort of maintaining is surprisingly draining (perhaps mostly mentally) and takes a great amount of effort! To continually be ready takes a plan, great focus, dedication, consistency, and patience. It takes effort to refuel dashed excitements. And it takes the strength to overcome discouraging thoughts when your readiness is not rewarded.<br />
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This focus on being continually ready has been making me think quite a bit about Matthew 25 and the Parable of the Ten Virgins, where Jesus exhorts us to "keep watch, because you do not know the day or the hour" (Matt. 25:13). Just like this baby, we know Jesus' coming is imminent, but we don't know when. We must keep ourselves continually ready by developing a plan, focus, dedication, consistency, and patience, and the strength to overcome discouragement. It's hard. It's really hard. But we know that soon our diligence will be rewarded!Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392282421861704404noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4768479760980944563.post-54015844425189149612012-11-11T21:00:00.000-05:002012-11-12T00:58:00.117-05:00NondescriptThere's nothing much to report, and no new ideas in my head; I just thought I should try to post more consistently, and so here I am...<br />
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We're still just hobbling along, working out how to survive in the place in life we find ourselves. We're still in the thick of conquering house and boxes, making progress at a deafeningly slow speed. I find it a bit sad--we've been here for a month, and I've actually cooked dinner only 3 times. I just take comfort that, considering the state of our house, 3 times is awfully amazing! <br />
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Some good news: Owen got a job! It's a temporary job that doesn't pay quite what we need, but it's something to get us through until something better comes along. <br />
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Tonight we went on a dark night exploration outside, with only flashlights and the stars to guide us. The kids were brave explorers through the dark field beyond our house, and were eager to find bats and monsters. However, they wisely suggested we wait until daylight to explore the huge, creepy barn (which is locked with heavy chains...and yet Owen may have found a way in?). Swarms of real bats just aren't as much fun as a pretend single bat...and we all know that bats exist on these grounds! Safita brought along her lights-and-sounds Percy the train toy, because he has a (tiny and insignificant) light--but very smart on her part. When we heard a real train blow its whistle on the not-so-distant tracks, she "toot-tooted" Percy's whistle right back at it, to say hello. <br />
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Our little Baby Blue is still as active as ever. The kids both seem to have come around to the idea of a boy. Jack doesn't contradict the baby's gender anymore, but he does often say, "After we have a baby boy, then our next baby will be a girl." And Safita is just in love with the idea of a baby, period! Every time we talk about "the baby," she'll exclaim, "Baby BOOYYY!" Her most recent favorite game is pretending Jack is a baby; she holds him on her lap, rocks him, and covers him in hugs and kisses. He graciously plays along and does a very good job imitating a baby. Jack likes to snuggle next to me on the couch and wrap his arm across my belly to try to feel the baby, and he'll ask me all sorts of questions about the baby and this whole pregnancy process. They both are very sweet. <br />
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We're all sorting and re-sorting through our list of boy names, which has been more of a challenge this time around. With the other two, we just <i>knew</i>...And this time around, we were 100% prepared for twin girls (at least in the name department), but a boy--I don't know. We have ideas and names we like, but so far nothing strikes us (or should I say, me) as being <i>right</i>. I feel like throughout the pregnancy I start to get a feel for who this little person is inside me, and some names seem right and some don't. I also find great importance in the meanings of names, but the names whose meanings fit this child are not our favorites, and the names that ARE our favorites have meanings that don't seem to fit this child. What to do? Well, a name is important, so we're praying for direction. <br />
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Wishing you all a blessed week!Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392282421861704404noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4768479760980944563.post-80880982160319493912012-11-08T16:09:00.001-05:002012-11-08T16:09:38.790-05:00A Wee Little Surprise<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Last week we had our first midwife appointment in our new location. I do hate having to always find a new midwife, because you really develop a relationship with a midwife (as opposed to a doctor who's in-and-out), and we <i>loved</i> the last 2 that we had. It's kind of similar, in a way, to a romantic relationship, in the sense that you're always comparing the new one to the old ones with what you like better and what you don't...and I start to feel nostalgic and miss the old ones, even if I fully love the new one. <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">8 weeks</td></tr>
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We are limited here in our new location, as the closest midwife is 1 hour 15 minutes away (praying labor doesn't go TOO fast!), so we feel like we really only have one option. This past appointment was in reality just a consultation to see if we liked her and visa versa, but since I was already 19 weeks along, she also went ahead and did a check-up. And it was a rather exciting checkup...<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">12 weeks</td></tr>
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As a bit of background, there has been a little bit of confusion in this pregnancy up til now. My uterus size and position has been measuring larger and higher than it should, causing the midwife to wonder if I was farther along than we thought. In addition, my pregnancy symptoms have been much stronger for this entire pregnancy, and I've been feeling pretty much constant movement for the last few weeks. All of these factors caused our newest midwife to question multiples, which I had actually been suspicious of for some time. <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">16 weeks</td></tr>
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Then, during the check-up last week, we heard 2 distinct heartbeats in 2 different locations with 2 different heartbeat rates...I can't even tell you how thrilling that was--and also terrifying! The midwife did tell us that the heartbeats didn't necessarily mean twins: It is possible for the baby to move really fast and for the heart rate to change within seconds. But the evidence seemed so convincing, I just couldn't imagine that it WASN'T twins!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">20 weeks (current)</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">20 weeks with Jack</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">20 weeks with Safita</td></tr>
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Today was the day we found out for sure. It was momentous...<br />
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And.....<br />
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Surprisingly, there is only one baby. Apparently a large and very active baby. (Considering my last baby weighed in at 9 lbs 11 oz, and they supposedly get successively bigger, I'm a little concerned!) We also found out that it's a boy!!! We are very excited for a new baby boy (!!), but it's also taking some time to readjust our mindset about this baby, because I was convinced it was either twins or a girl, because of how I've been feeling. The kids also desperately wanted a baby girl, and Jack is still in denial. When the ultrasound technician announced it was a boy, Jack contradicted with great certainty, "No it's not! It's a girl!" He seems to be coming around, though, since we've been telling him how fun it will be to have a superhero playmate and how the boys can outnumber the girls, etc. And it was Jack who initially nick-named this baby "Baby Blue," which seems a bit intuitive about the gender!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Baby's profile with hand up by his face</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">top of Baby's face--super cute, even if the ultrasound quality makes it look creepy!</td></tr>
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Now we get to have fun picking out a boy name before we welcome this little one into our arms somewhere around March 27!<br />
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<br />Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392282421861704404noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4768479760980944563.post-87182499009538012172012-11-03T17:00:00.000-04:002012-11-04T01:55:26.031-04:00Fabric and FurnitureThis is what I did today:<br />
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I tackled my first upholstery job! Now, I know there were probably WAY more important things I <i>should</i> have done, BUT, in my defense:<br />
a) This has been a long-standing project on my To-Do list (I'm talking years).<br />
b) I was <i>MOTIVATED</i> to do it today--and I'm beginning to realize about myself, that if I don't do what I'm motivated to do, I tend to flop aimlessly around and do nothing of consequence.<br />
c) It was in desperate need of attention. Safita has grown very attached to this chair and sits in it several times a day, but every time she does, the frame falls apart and the cloth sags through the broken seat support to the floor, and it's just a big mess. It was time to fix it before it became un-fixable.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A very small Jack, excited about the chair when we first acquired it at an antique fair.</td></tr>
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So, the kids and I tracked down the nearest Jo-Anns and survived the crazy crowds (the place was crawling like it was Black Friday!) to get our supplies, and spent the rest of the afternoon fixing the chair frame and re-upholstering the cushions. It wasn't actually difficult, to my surprise and relief--just a little time-consuming. But, since the quote I had gotten from a professional was encroaching on $200, and I got it done myself for $30, I'd say it was well worth the time and effort!<br />
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Now, the old, mustardy yellow vinyl is a super-soft, lightly ribbed, soothing gray microfiber. The arms and legs of the chair are sturdy and don't fall apart when touched, and the seat doesn't sag! It's pretty amazing. <br />
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Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392282421861704404noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4768479760980944563.post-37709900563206531772012-11-02T12:00:00.000-04:002012-11-04T01:11:54.106-04:00Back OnlineIt's been a long time, folks...Here's my attempt to crawl out of the blog-land abyss I've been lost in for the past 2 months!<br />
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As some of you may know, the past few months have been pretty crazy and overwhelming for us. My internet absence was initiated by a loss of internet service in mid-August, a loss which lasted for 2 months. I was amazed to realize how dependent we are on internet, because it was very challenging being without!<br />
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At the end of September, we had to move out of our apartment with nowhere to go, and spent 2 weeks as guests of my very gracious aunt and uncle. Owen had been job hunting since the beginning of summer, and by mid-October it seemed he had <i>finally</i> secured a job...and we made the move to New York...and after getting settled received a call that he didn't get the job after all. It's been more than a little bit stressful. <br />
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Since the move, we also have been completely submerged in getting settled in our new location. We're slowly getting to know the area better and figuring out where to go for things we need. And even more slowly, we're getting unpacked...We are renting a spacious but old farm house situated on 100 acres--which is an amazing change from our cramped apartment with no yard!!--but it's taking some extra time and TLC to make it a clean and comfortable space for us. <br />
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The house hadn't been lived in for at least a year, and being an old house has lots of crevices through which critters may enter, and so there's been much cleaning to do and even a few surprises here and there! One night, our quiet evening was greatly enlivened by a bat, who decided our living room would be a good place to stretch its wings. We also have our fair share of mice, who are helping themselves to the contents of our kitchen cabinets. The basement houses an old, dilapidated butcher-block table, which in turn houses live termites (and yes, we have informed the landlords, but they don't seem too concerned). There are aspects about the house that I love, and some that I really struggle to make peace about...I think the hardest part is that, as renters, we are quite limited on what we're able to do, either for the sake of permission or cost. <br />
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Anyway, we're slowly finding solutions and making things work, and slowly setting up the pieces of our life here. <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Upstairs in the kids' "suite"--tearing out the ancient linoleum under the carpet and cleaning the floors, which had accumulated enough dirt for the lifetime of the house!</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">dirty floors</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The newspaper was from 1952...some excerpts below:</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">more dirt, mouse droppings, tons of pins and needles, etc.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">the kids enjoyed the temporary slide!</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The finished bathroom: We painted the rotting and mismatched cabinet (next photo), painted the trim white and wall taupe (it used to be a peachy color similar to the bathtub and sink), and CLEANED!</td></tr>
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<br />Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392282421861704404noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4768479760980944563.post-33831659094530977802012-08-22T22:00:00.000-04:002012-08-24T00:13:15.575-04:00Superheros, Part 2!Superhero cape shirts are done! I've been putting them off for too long, so last night I sat down and cranked them out. The cousins had a blast running around together today, capes flapping in the wind.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Camouflage Man</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Bat Girl</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Firestar</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">superheros helping each other out</td></tr>
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<br />Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392282421861704404noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4768479760980944563.post-47623546335657899832012-08-21T14:31:00.000-04:002012-08-22T14:47:24.499-04:00Life Status UpdateOkay, so we've been both crazy busy AND sans internet lately, trying to get back to some sort of normal...We're winding down our time here in this apartment and looking at a move within the next 5 weeks, and we still don't know where. I'm trying to keep my cool, but I'll admit it's a little stressful. Owen is working hard--both on dissertation and on finding a job, any job, to get us through this next year. We're looking nationwide, and it's really astounding how impossible it is to find a job when you're willing to do almost anything for almost any pay and go pretty much anywhere. It's almost like someone is out there physically shutting doors in our faces.<br />
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We continue to see God work on behalf of others around us, working
miracles and meeting their needs, and we just sit and wait and wonder
when it will be our turn. (And might I venture to say, though I know this sounds biased and unsympathetic, that our needs seem dramatically more desperate than these needs of others that <i>are</i> being met.) Yesterday, I was stopped in a traffic jam where a police officer was directing traffic, and he waved each of the three other lanes of traffic through, then when it should've been our turn, he skipped us and went through the whole cycle again. That's kind of how I'm feeling in life right now--everyone else is getting one, two, three "turns" while we sit and wait and get none. <br />
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I will admit that my faith is being challenged...but we're still holding
on to the promise that God has prosperous plans for us and He is
willing and able to take care of our needs. We're hoping and praying that all these closed doors and discouragements are leading us to something unbelievably grand...hoping...praying...<br />
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In other news, I am currently 9 weeks in the pregnancy, and doing well if you don't count the extreme nausea and exhaustion. We met our new midwife and really love her, so we're excited about that. We all are healthy and well, and generally happy!<br />
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Here's hoping to have some exciting news to share soon!Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392282421861704404noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4768479760980944563.post-58590595038243840352012-08-15T22:30:00.000-04:002012-08-24T22:36:16.355-04:00Sunday School Lessons A week or two ago, Jack learned in Sunday School that "God is powerful," and he's been repeating it to me at least once daily since then. And it's pretty great, because sometimes I need that constant reminding, in the random corners of life, when the day seems to be falling apart...to hear a sweet voice say, "Mommy, God is powerful." Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392282421861704404noreply@blogger.com0