Pointed Fingers

"Jesus, friend of sinners, open our eyes to the world at the end of our pointing fingers."

This lyric grabbed my heart and wrapped it up tight when I heard it today.  It encapsulates everything important God has been instilling into my heart these past few years; lessons which I'm so very sensitive to now, and yet still so very guilty of.

How is it so easy to believe you're loving others when in fact you're really hating?  Why is it so comforting to believe you're helping others when in fact you're tearing them down?  Why are we so easily deceived into selfish, judgmental attitudes, and all the while believe we're pure and holy?  Why is it just so easy and satisfying to point fingers instead of offering a listening ear, an understanding heart, and grace enough to cover the faults?

I think the Frozen songwriters got it absolutely right, too, with these words from the "Fixer-Upper" song: "People make bad choices if they're mad or scared or stressed.  But throw a little love their way and you'll bring out their best."  There's always a reason that people act the way they do; if only I could remember to care instead of to take offense and get all holier-than-thou...

Here's the entirety of that song by Casting Crowns, if anyone cares to read it or listen, because I find it so powerful:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tDc_r2_zVvY

Jesus, friend of sinners, we have strayed so far away
We cut down people in your name but the sword was never ours to swing
Jesus, friend of sinners, the truth's become so hard to see
The world is on their way to You but they're tripping over me
Always looking around but never looking up I'm so double minded
A plank eyed saint with dirty hands and a heart divided

Oh Jesus, friend of sinners
Open our eyes to the world at the end of our pointing fingers
Let our hearts be led by mercy
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors
Oh Jesus, friend of sinners, break our hearts for what breaks yours

Jesus, friend of sinners, the one who's writing in the sand
Made the righteous turn away and the stones fall from their hands
Help us to remember we are all the least of these
Let the memory of Your mercy bring Your people to their knees
Nobody knows what we're for, only what we're against, when we judge the wounded
What if we put down our signs, crossed over the lines, and loved like You did

You love every lost cause; you reach for the outcast
For the leper and the lame; they're the reason that You came
Lord I was that lost cause and I was the outcast
But you died for sinners just like me, a grateful leper at Your feet

'Cause You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever
You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever
You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever
You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever

Oh Jesus, friend of sinners
Open our eyes to world at the end of our pointing fingers
Let our hearts be led by mercy
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors
Oh Jesus, friend of sinners, break our hearts for what breaks Yours

The Accountability Trap

My little family is in a heavy season of life right now.  And so, I'm often pondering heavy thoughts.  Sometimes I feel bad that all I ever write about is heavy stuff, and not those cute anecdotes about the children's escapades or fun stories from our adventures out in the great wide world.  But, this is where we are, and these are the words coming out of my head, and there will be a season for lightheartedness again.

Recently, I've been musing about the Golden Rule from Matthew 7:12, "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets."  It's been one of those seasons in life when every basic truth I've ever known suddenly comes alive, and suddenly I get it!  You know?  It's not like it was ever hard to understand; it always made sense in my head.  But now when my heart, soul, spirit, emotions, and every dimension or layer of my being understands what my mind always did, the truth comes to life and revives the soul! 

The Golden Rule is golden for good reason.  It's a good way to live our lives and to test our actions, and no one would contest it.  But, it kind of seems like we're inconsistent in our use of it.  What I mean is: when we are giving advice to others or confronting someone who's offended us, we are quick to claim the Golden Rule in our defense.  Yet when the tables are turned--when we have been offended, or when we notice a failure in another--suddenly the Golden Rule becomes mere brass dulled against the glimmering responsibility of Accountability.

Keeping each other accountable is good and right and beneficial.  Our human natures are cunning, and we are so good at lying to ourselves if the end result is pleasurable; Accountability keeps us honest with ourselves and with each other.

BUT.

It is my opinion that the Church (not intended to be all-inclusive) has gotten all bent out of shape on the subject of Accountability and is in need of a serious adjustment.  Instead of a beautiful exercise in trust, grace, and forgiveness, Accountability has become a Bible-mandated permission slip for treating those with whom we don't agree with judgement, hostility, legalism, and a controlling spirit. 

In many (dare I say most?) Christian circles, if someone is found to be guilty of an action that is either truly sinful or merely deemed sinful (by tradition or interpretation), what happens can be one, some or all of the following:
- The "non-offenders" expose the guilt of the offender, often publicly, and preach eloquently about how far the offender has missed the mark; shame is a choice weapon.
- The offender, if repentant, is subjected to "penance" activities as a means of reforming his/her behavior (heart??).
- The offender, if not repentant, is chastised more harshly with shame-preaching, and if he/she remains unrepentant is cut off from the community of believers (ie, excommunicated).
- Somehow...name-calling becomes okay, grace is no longer required, the lost sheep are pushed out of the fold rather than drawn in...all in the name of Love and Accountability.

Because if we don't save their lost souls, then who will?

Hmm...I can think of one Name.

I get that the intent may be one of love, but I also think our human natures are more naturally drawn to justice, and our cunning hearts convince us that justice (judgement) is love.  Such a theme could not be more un-Biblical. 

So, what's wrong with this Accountability picture?
- We're forgetting that we are all sinners, and that every single sin is defiance toward God and deserving of death, even if it is acceptable in our culture (yes, even in the church culture).
- We fail to realize that behavior does not always reflect what's in the heart.  Are we more concerned about people acting and looking right, or having hearts transformed by Christ?
- We become arrogant and put too much stock in ourselves and forget that it's not our job to save people!  God has given us one job: Love.  Love God and love people.  Period.  Part of loving is bearing with each other, forgiving whatever grievances we have with one another, long-suffering, not judging, doing unto others as we'd have them do unto us...

I've found it helpful for myself, when faced with a decision on how to respond to an erring neighbor, to ask myself questions about how I would want to be treated in a similar situation:
- When I fail, do I want others to publicly (or even privately) point out my failures and shame me?  Or do I want them to gently take me aside and say, "Hey, I see that you're struggling, I'm here for you"?
- When I fail, do I want others to preach Scripture at me like a verbal lashing?  Or do I want them to gently remind me of God's grace and forgiveness and His strength to help me through?
- When I fail, do I want to be cut off from the community until I acceptably change my ways?  Or do I want to be brought in, accepted, supported, and helped?
- When I fail, do I want to be treated with disrespect, to be judged and branded by what I do wrong, or treated as a person of value who struggles with sin (like every other person on the planet and in history) and be extended grace?
- When I fail, do I want to be lashed, or come alongside and helped?

I've noticed in my own experience, when I am wrong and stuck in sinful behavior, what really gets my attention and pierces my heart with repentance...is grace.  When people point out my flaws, preach Scripture at me, offer advice for how to fix myself and my problems, or in any way judge me and place themselves superior to me, the response in my heart is always the same: defensiveness, further hardening of heart, despising everything they say (even if I normally agree with it), developing pride and self-sufficiency, withdrawing into myself to not need or depend on anyone, and the list goes on. 

But when I am wrong and stuck in sinful behavior, and someone comes to me and extends grace, loves me, encourages me, gives me hope, reminds me of Jesus' unfailing love, gets down on my level and helps me up...the kindness heaps burning coals on my head and I fall to my knees in deep repentance, despising my sin instead of the person who pointed it out, with whole-hearted motivation to change. I mean, really, most of the time we're all acutely aware of our shortcomings.  What we need is not a finger pointing but a helping hand.

Any soldier will tell you, if a comrade falls in battle, he isn't shamed and left to die--he is helped and treated with honor!  Believers, we are in this together.  Our enemy is not each other. 

The Best Gift of All

It was kind of a special day today.  More than kind of…it was a really special day today.  Beyond it being my birthday, beyond the kind wishes and loving words and cards and cakes and dinners (which were all amazing and very special)…In my heart the day was marbled with times of quiet contemplation, and moments of deep fulfillment, and feelings of humble sadness that are always resisted and labeled as BAD on days such as one’s birthday.  But it was beautiful, because it was real, and it was the work of God, and in it all there was genuine peace, and more than that—gratitude. 

Every birthday as far back as I can remember has been plagued by deep, dark, agonizing, relentless depression, covered over by a mask of smiles and expected happiness.  Expectations arising out of a yearning to be special wreaked havoc on my soul…they were never met, never could be met, and each devastation piled burden after burden on my heart and sent me hurling into the abyss of perceived worthlessness…Until at some point, there just was plopped on my heart’s doorstep The Annual Birthday Depression for no particular reason at all.  It just came like clockwork, year after year, for no reason at all.  And each year it brought with it The Menace of bigger and grander expectations.  As I have discovered, the bigger the expectation, the bigger the devastation. But all of this carries a host of baggage that cyber space doesn’t need to know…and the point is:

The Menace was gone this year.  There was nothing I did differently, no special prayers or penance or exercises in optimism.  Definitely no illusions of personal holiness. 

But that humble sadness…that breaking of my heart in a way that makes it whole again…that sorrow that visits in the form of calm and peace, not in selfish anger, and leaves the soul feeling renewed and refreshed…That repentance.  Nothing happened to make me feel sad; there was no blinding awareness of sin to confess (other than the usual which I am faced with daily!)…It did not come as a verb to be acted upon, but as a state of being, as a gift.  And it brought with it the realization that I am nothing, while God is Everything, and he can fill my nothing with his everything.

Birthdays used to mean to me a sacred 24-hour period in which I could expect—and be justified in expecting—the world to revolve around me, to demand whatever I wanted, to indulge in whatever pleased me, and in essence, bask in selfishness while others tried in vain to meet the bar of my expectations.  Of course, that’s not how I thought about it in my mind, but that is the reality of it.  Reality is ugly.  And I’m okay admitting it because I’m understanding more and more that my “goodness” as a person doesn’t emanate from my own goodness, but from Christ’s.  And admitting that I struggle doesn’t reveal shocking weakness or failure, but a basic human struggle with sin that affects us all, and which Christ came to rescue us from!  “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”

And so my most precious gift today from my most Beloved—the Redeemer of my soul—was a gift of healing and freedom from selfish expectation.  It was beautiful to be truly thankful for the gifts I’ve already been given—the breath of life, grace and forgiveness, precious people in my life to love, and endless blessings in every direction.  It was amazingly freeing to enjoy every little thing that was said and done for me today without constantly measuring it up to some made-up bar, or comparing it to how others are treated better.  When expectations don’t exist, everything is special.

I’m not sure how it happened, and I’m not sure why.  Which is how I know that it was truly a gift: A gift of repentance and gratitude to gently lead my soul into peace.  There was nothing I did but accept grace.

Even the skies proclaimed the glory of God, and concluded this day in my most favorite way.

The American Dream, or the American Idol?

I have to say up front:  It is hard and stressful and, sometimes, downright impossible being destitute.

Destitute in an American sense, that is--where we can live well below the poverty line but still have a home and a car and everything that we truly need to survive. 

It's painful to write about our struggles; it's embarrassing to admit that we're struggling to even survive...But as miserable as it can be and as desperately as I hope this time to be over, God is teaching my heart some beautiful things through it, and I feel like I should share it...

Often, when we face difficult circumstances, we buckle down and try to hold on, to just "white-knuckle" it until we get through.  But that response is a form of self-dependence, and causes us to miss out on God-dependence.  Hard times--I'm starting to get it through my thick skull!--are like a personal invitation from God for us to come, sit, be still, and see His greatness.  To sit and watch in awe and wonder the power He wants to work in our lives.  If you've ever watched the Northern Lights dance across the night sky--so stunning, so amazing--I imagine it like that.  It's scary to let go--I know!  I'm your classic holder-on-er do-it-myself-er!

But even if we let go, He never lets go of us!

And it frees us to stand in awe of Him, to let Him work something more beautiful than we could have, and to well up our hearts with an overwhelming fountain of praise.

Our battle is not just against our own selves, however.  The enemy knows he is not as powerful as God, and so he tries to feed us lies about God. 
Is God really good?
Does God love us?
What have we done to deserve this?
God doesn't care about us...
The list is endless!

After 2 years of full-time job-hunting, in any field, across the globe, even being denied positions at fast food and factory and gas station companies, while many faithful Christians are praying for us...and the insecurity requiring frequent uprooting...we have fallen into discouragement about God's provision for us.  I wish we were stronger.  I guess we just got tired, and then confused, and then the lies started to sound too good to our sore hearts, and it got easier to entertain them.

For me, personally, one of the main lies I have entertained is that I have done something wrong or not been good enough, and this unending hardship is God's punishment for my spiritual failures, and it will continue until I can figure it out and get myself together.  It's so easy to believe sometimes!

But as our pastor stated today, "God is not a mafia boss!"  He doesn't come around checking to see if you've paid what you owed or behaved in the right manner, and beat you if you haven't!  He doesn't work like that.  The good news is, we KNOW that we've failed!  We fail every day of our lives, and there's no way we'll ever live up to God's standard.

"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." Romans 3:23

Yeah, that doesn't sound like good news at all.  But it is, because it means that our hope is not in our own goodness.  Our hope is in God's greatness!  The fundamental mistake is to begin with ourselves and not God--all of life, all of everything, begins and ends with God.  It's not about us at all.

We often think--and it's so easy to--that we build up a moral rapport with God, and He is then obliged to bless us.  The reverse of that is that He will punish us if we are less than perfect.  In reality, we are morally bankrupt, and only Jesus offers us a perfect record, if we will merely accept His grace!

So, back to that American dream...It's kind of what I've been chasing and worshiping in my heart.  It's what I dream of to keep myself going each day, and I think, "When my husband has a job, and we have a home, and we can afford to pay our bills and provide good things for our children--THEN, everything will be okay."  I have idolized money, comfort, worldly security.  I am looking to things to save us.

Another thing our pastor said today that really struck a chord with me is this: "People get discouraged because they're chasing their idols, and come to church to learn how to pray in order to get their idol...They leave rejuvenated, but through the week get discouraged again because it didn't work, after all, and come back the next week to get another 'dose'...But make Christ your treasure, and the stuff won't matter!" 

It's not about the stuff.  You can have the stuff or not have the stuff.  God loves us and wants to give us good things, but it's our hearts that matter, and making sure our priorities are right. 

Ron from Home Depot

Today we were on a moderately long walk, in the suffocatingly humid heat, and on our way back home stopped by to do a couple errands.  It was mid-afternoon, way past nap times, and everyone was tired, hot, and cranky.  But, we had to stop for another can of Cool Cobalt paint for the kids' train table, which we are building for them.

So, we stopped "quickly" at Home Depot to grab another can of paint, and waited as patiently as we could for the color to get mixed and shaken (this sounds quick and easy, but, I assure you, it seemed to take FOREVER!), and then were off to the checkout lanes.  Halfway there, the children began to exhibit their overheated exhaustion through poor behavior choices, and I paused to deal with it.  And was rudely interrupted by CRRRAAASSSSHHHHHH!  My first reaction was severe irritation...not really sure why...until I realized what it was that had crashed: none other than our very own can of Cool Cobalt paint.

And it, being the cool blue color that it was, feigned dramatic by breaking open and spilling its contents all over the Home Depot floor.  It was a disaster.  I felt terrible...and embarrassed!  I sat there feeling ridiculous while other shoppers passed by with pitiful smirks, and debated whether to pull a "hit-and-run" or to admit to someone that I, indeed, was responsible.

I stayed.  Jack helped me flag down help, so that soon to our rescue came a very, incredibly kind older man, whom we now affectionately call "Ron from Home Depot."  Creative, I know.  (His name is Ron.)  If I were an employee there, I think I would have been more than a tiny bit peeved about the gigantic mess we'd just made, not to mention the inventory wasted, but this kind man masterfully assuaged our profuse apologies and bad feelings.  He said, "If this is the worst thing that happens today, I'm still having a good day!"  Then he proceeded to tell us about worse things he'd experienced happening--like a 2-year-old going potty on a display toilet--and how that still wasn't really that terrible, after all.  He tenderly took us over to get us another can of paint, and even treated us like he was sorry for making us wait so long all over again!  He went out of his way to take care of our needs and to make us feel important in the doing so.

The moral of the story:  It's profoundly amazing to be touched by such grace and kindness, especially in such an unexpected place.  Thank you, Ron from Home Depot, for showing us Christ today.  May you be blessed a hundred-fold!