Quagmire (warning: it's heavy)

Facing giants is scary.

It makes you want to run away.  Especially when those giants are in the mirror. 

Lately, my giants are those seem-nice-on-the-outside-but-nasty-on-the-inside types, like Comparison, Entitlement, and Expectation.

It's hard not to compare.  It's easy to feel entitled.  It seems only natural to hold expectations about life and the people around us.  But those ingredients mix up an enticing cocktail named Despair. 

Comparing is always such a big temptation.  Comparing my personality and presence; comparing my possessions; comparing my place in life; comparing my spiritual progress; comparing my kids and husband and their behaviors and accomplishments...I'm not sure what the lure is, if I think comparing will make me more content, or if trying to be like everyone else will make me happier, or if I'll gain respect by outwardly having it all "more together" than everyone else, or if I'll learn some grand life lesson that will change me forever...?

None of that really happens.  We all know that.  What does happen when I compare me and mine to others is that I begin to question my value as a person (because I'm not like so-and-so), I begin to question the value of my husband and children (because they don't behave or accomplish like such-and-such), I bury myself with unrealistic demands to make my life appear (or legitimately BE) more perfectly put together, I attempt to control those around me to fit into my grand plan of a perfect life, and I bulldoze any who color outside the lines I've drawn. Because my lines are obviously the right lines; the lines anyone else might draw (in my self-absorbed bubble) are irritating scribbles that impede the proper flow of life. 

It's stifling.  Comparisons stifle the beautiful creativity and individuality of each person, and of our communities as a whole.  Differences among us are beautiful and necessary...how would the body function if all parts were the same?  How would we ever discover new great ideas if we all thought the same?  How, even, could we enjoy God's vastness if we all thought in the same dimension?

But I try and I try and I try and I try to be like those I hold as the standard, usually without even realizing that's what I'm doing or the futility of my endeavor, trying to create peace through the process of chaos...

It will never work. 

And failure after failure, discouragement leads to frustration, and frustration leads to hopelessness, and hopelessness leads to despair, and despair leads to anger and--perhaps more dangerous--a sense of self-entitlement.

I see a sea of people who own homes and have steady jobs and whose kids get to live in one place and keep their friends year after year, people who have stability, connections, friends, the recipe of things I consider to make up "real" life...and after the wishful longing wears thin, entitlement sets in: Wait.  Why are they better than me?  Why does everyone else get everything good in life while I struggle?  I deserve everything everyone else has!  I deserve to have everything I want!  I deserve to be happy!  It's the American way, after all--I have rights!

Do I? 

Here also Expectation rears its ugly head, because my rights to happiness include a long laundry list of expectations for life and for myself and for those people who surround me, mostly encompassing things to have and how to be.  It is a carefully crafted list, tediously created (of course not consciously!!) over a lifetime, and always amending, but is a harsh taskmaster and demands every last (impossible) requirement be met before handing over the precious reward of happiness.

And because I can't control my life situation and cannot claim that dangling carrot for myself, I do the only last thing I can do...Blame everyone around me for their part in my misery...and ultimately, blame God.  Why does God bless everyone else with good things except me?  Why doesn't God love me??

Then in the seeming injustice of it all, I let myself become angry, and the comparisons become judgmental.  The deception is that anger is always loud and eruptive.  Anger can come in quiet shades, also, in the forms of a critical spirit, an ungrateful heart, a selfish sense of entitlement, hostility toward others' needs, a tendency to invalidate anyone else's opinions, an inability to accept fault yet noticing everyone else's, always looking on the negative side of life...the shades are endless.

These chaotic feelings of want and devastation and anger often lead me to try to control people or things around me--anything I can.  Husband and children are easy targets, but it doesn't end there.  I attempt to control my household by keeping unrealistic standards of cleanliness and organization.  I might fall into shopping addiction by the lure of controlling what I am able to buy.  I might even fall into spirituality addiction, because I can control how "good" I am in measurable ways that no one can judge. 

These bottom-of-the-barrel times are hard, but they're also the times God's commands really make sense and feel less like stiff demands and more like cool water reviving a parched soul...

God says, "Do not covet."  Coveting is basically comparing yourself, and wanting what others have.

God says, "Forgive and forget."  Not, "Forgive, and then fix...everything that's wrong with them!"  I tend to get so emotionally complicated when there's been an offense, especially in my marriage.  I feel like I need to parse the issue, cut it apart and lay it open and assign responsibility to every last bit...I'm not saying it's not good to talk about things, but there does come a point when it does more harm than good.  So, just forgive.  Then forget about it.  Then love the offender like they deserve it!  Because they do, because God created them just as fearfully and wonderfully as he made me.  It's God's job to save people, after all, not mine.

God says, "Be joyful always...give thanks in everything."  You wanna know the surest way to punch these giants in the face?  Gratitude.  Comparison, Expectation, Entitlement don't stand a chance against a heart that's truly thankful for the priceless gifts God gives every day. 

And when you really think--past all those selfish longings--we are all, even the most-worst-off ones of us!--deeply, deeply blessed.  If we have life, we have unspeakable treasure--life is the most intimate and undeniable love beckoning of God to us!  And if we have shelter, food, clothing, health, family, friends...we are blessed. 

I am learning to lay everything else down and simply love as Christ loves us.  Unconditionally.  No strings attached.  Selflessly.  Forgiving so much for the same offenses that it seems OCD.  Without comparison, without expectation.  It's hard.  Good thing I don't have to do it by myself!

Morning Mercy

For the past two weeks I've gotten back into a running routine, by combining my morning "prayer walk" with running...making it a prayer run!  I go first thing in the morning, just because it's the best time to get away by myself, and I am NOT a morning person.  Mornings find me groggy, lethargic, hardly able to crawl out of bed...So, a morning run?  On my list of impossible things to not try.

But, due to our current schedules, it was then or never, and as I've shared our renewed dedication to put priorities straight, it had to happen.  And you know what?  It turns out, every morning now is an amazing reminder that God gives me the strength to do what I think is impossible.  If I simply take the step of faith to tumble myself out of bed, groggily tie my shoes, and trip out the door--immediately, He rejuvenates me and gives me the energy and stamina I need.  And not only to survive the exercise, but to really, truly enjoy it!  (Today, I was sad to stop!--which I'm not sure has EVER happened before, not even during my peak periods of fitness.)  In the past, when I've been out of the running habit and tried to start up again, the first month or so was painful...and I was expecting the same now.  But from my very first run, and every time since, it's simply been enjoyable.

And the blessing lasts longer than the 30 minutes I'm out...it changes my whole day.  I am energized, optimistic, hopeful, joyful, and way more productive on the mornings I run.  Not to mention super-encouraged about how great God's power is!  I mean, if He can help me love a morning run, what CAN'T He do???  :)

I just want to share this to publicly praise the Lord for His goodness to bless and multiply our smallest efforts.  He turns our pebbles into brilliant diamonds.  His mercy is great!

Update on the Little Blessings

Our beautiful children are at such fun, special ages, so I've been wanting to let you all in on their preciousness!  Here's an update on my JackJack (almost 3 1/2) and Fia (almost 1 1/2):

Jack

• Calls himself "JackJack" when he refers to himself in the third person.  I think it's adorable that he's self-adopted a nickname!  (Some people have called him that on occasion, but we never do, and it's certainly not a regular thing.)
• His die-hard favorite color is dark blue.  Someday, we are going to end up with a dark blue house, a dark blue minivan, and a host of other dark blue things!
• Takes great pride in being funny, and is always telling us "jokes." 
• His favorite scent of soap is cucumber melon.  He fell in love with it at Grandma's house.  Yesterday we bought some at the store for him, and he pridefully carried it all the way to the car.  

• Favorite foods: apples; vanilla yogurt (which he calls "mavilla," and staunchly refuses any attempts to correct the pronunciation); peanut butter; apple juice; oatmeal; pepperoni pizze...he dislikes eggs and mushrooms.  
• He loves books and reading; he's started "reading" books to us recently, which is so great!
• He loves to help me cook.
• He's a sweet, affectionate, empathetic, intuitive little soul.  He seems so in tune with the moods and needs of those around him; nothing slips by him.  Sometimes, I am shocked by his level of understanding, which is way beyond his years.  
• He has the maturity to know that it's okay to not play with someone if they aren't nice to you; it's okay to choose your friends.  
• His current favorite Bible story is "Jesus Walks On the Water."  He asks for it nightly, for about 2 weeks running now.  He also wanted me to buy him some water shoes so he could "walk on top of the water, just like Jesus."  
• He seems to be quite spiritually aware...He talks often about Jesus in his heart; whenever he gets hurt he declares, "Jesus will heal it!," or when he or anyone is healed of an owie he states matter-of-factly, "Oh, Jesus healed you!"  He is very moved by the truth that "Jesus is God," and picks up on it anytime he hears it, and says it often.  One of my favorite things I've heard him say is when, one time, I told him a joke, and he laughed and said (while still laughing), "That makes Jesus laugh in my heart!"  One time he also told me, when there was a dispute over which child was to sit in which car seat, "I was asking God which one was mine, and God told me this one" (the one he wanted, of course)--how do you argue with God?
• He loves playing outside, especially with toy cars and trucks in the dirt, making roads for them and such.  He also loves riding his bike.
• He is independent and fearless, always up for trying new things.  But also is a Mama's boy :). 
• He's a very helpful shopping assistant.  He tells me very honestly if he likes or dislikes clothing I've picked out, or if I can't decide he will pick which one is better.  Yesterday, I asked him about something I was looking at, and he said thoughtfully, "Hmmm...I'm not sure about that...you should try it on."  
• He is very much all boy--loves scary monsters, aliens, robots, guns, superheros, trains, trucks...He also loves puzzles and building with legos.  He's very good at working with small pieces and being creative.  He's also good at figuring out how things work.
• Loves to dance.  Loves to jump.  Loves to throw things. 
• Loves babies!  He sweetly coos over his sweet new baby cousin, about how cute and little she is, and wants to hold her.  He very much wants us to have another baby, and tells me consistently that he wants another baby girl, because they're cute and sweet. 
• Has been noticing and expressing curiosity over the differences between boys and girls.
• Generally does not like trying to pray out loud, until recently when he's witnessed how we exclaim over little sister when she prays her adorable prayers, and now when we pray he'll pray along out loud, semi-repeating what we're saying.  
• Is very excitable.  
• He's incredibly smart.
• Adores his sister, and is very sweet to her.

Safita

• Hates wearing clothes.  Lately, you'd think we were torturing her every time we try to get her dressed!  We've also battled lately with getting her to keep her diaper on--she casts me a mischievous smile, and tugs the tabs to rip it off...
• Has an affinity for sweaters.  She's obsessed with them.  If she's going to wear anything, it must be a zip-up hoodie sweater.  Even if it's 90 degrees outside.  And she insists on having her sleeves down.
• If she has to wear clothes, she wants to pick them out, and is very expressive about what she does and does not like.  
• Has recently decided that it's fun to yell at the top of her lungs, "MAMA! MAMA!" all day long, about anything and everything, regardless of who she's talking to.  She doesn't yell in an angry way, just a very loud way.
• Loves to eat, always!  Favorite foods: crackers, grapes, and beyond that--almost everything!
• Loves accessories like shoes and sunglasses and hats.  Definitely a little fashionista.  She's always saying "Eyes?" to ask for her sunglasses, and wears them proudly.  My favorite is when she puts them on herself and gets them upside down--too cute!  She likes to paint her nails.
• She loves books and reading.
• She loves the help me clean.
• She continues to dearly love cars and trains, as her adored brother does, but also has a growing interest in dolls and feminine things.  She's started to combine the two, and I find her pushing her doll around in the dump truck. 

• Wants to do everything Jack does, and copies so well.  I heard Jack complain today--I think for the first time--"Safita is copying me!"  That's what sibling do, my boy. 
• Loves, loves, loves babies!  She's obsessed with her new baby cousin, and whenever we're out and see any random baby, she lights up with excitement and wants to touch and pat and poke the eyes (in a loving way! she's learning to be gentle).  Whenever we ask if she wants to have a baby brother or sister, she nods vigorously and seems delighted by the idea!
• She's goofy and silly!  She is always making us laugh.

• Is very sociable.  Whenever we go anywhere, she smiles and waves and blows kisses to everyone we see.  Sometimes it takes a while to go places, because everyone is her friend.  That contagious smile of hers sure does melt hearts in a hurry!
• She loves to be outside, and loves to go places in the car.  
• She's very agreeable, and very sweet, and very content; she's tough, and loves to roughhouse.  She's full of love and kisses.  But if she gets upset, it's not pretty!
• She loves to watch movies, and has a growing attention span.
• Her word list is exploding!  Every day she's saying more new things!  I'm guessing here, but she has perhaps 40-ish words she can say understandably (at least, understandable to her parents).  
• She's very curious and interested in things; she always wants to learn new things and watch how I do things. 
• At each meal, when we announce, "Time to pray!" she will fold her hands and say, "Thank you, Jesus" (which sounds more like, "date-doo jish")--adorable. 
• She loves washing her hands and being clean.
• She loves balls, and will ask Dada to watch "ball" on the TV--a little sports fan!
• She's got dancing and singing in her blood!
• She loves finding little nooks and crannies to sit in; and if we're sitting on the floor in butterfly position, she can't resist but to run over and plop her cute bottom into the crevice of folded legs.  What can I say, she takes after her Mama!   
• Apparently knows all roads to Grandma's house, even the not-often-traveled ones--a very smart girl!
• She thinks it's her undeniable job to sit on us when we're exercising (sit ups, push ups, etc)--she's a good strength trainer! 

• Adores her brother.

I know these lists are long, but I still feel like I'm forgetting tons of things!  Anyway, it's a decent snapshot, at least!  I love watching these little miracles of humans grow, but sometimes I wish I could freeze time and just enjoy right now for longer than a moment!

Butterfly Blessing

I know I've been MIA for a while...not just in blogland, but in many areas...I'm just taking some time to refocus and reorganize the important things in life.  God is definitely blessing the time, and there are good things to come!

This post isn't about anything deeply meaningful, just a small, ordinary blessing in an ordinary day:

Two days ago, we discovered a beautiful butterfly, badly hurt with torn wing and unable to move.  We took it home as our "pet butterfly"--the kids were very excited!  The poor little butterfly clung for its life to its stick while we examined it, oooh-ed over it, the kids waved it around...

Then we placed it on our flowering plant, its new home, and hoped it would survive.  I think we even prayed for it!

The next morning, the poor butterfly looked convincingly dead.  It was sad, but expected.  We just left it on the plant to deal with later.  But--later--Jack was playing out on the balcony and suddenly exclaimed, "Our butterfly is on the porch!"  Sure enough, it was ALIVE!  And WELL!  And it could FLY!!!  We took another round of pictures before the beauty fluttered back to his plant home, and we watched him drink his nectar dinner.

Today, our butterfly friend is gone.  But the joy of knowing we helped save his little life is so rewarding, we barely miss him.  This is just one of the little treasures God has sent our way lately, and we feel blessed.

Looking Forward to a Terrible New Year

Confession:  Today, I cleaned our bathroom for the FIRST time since moving in...four months ago.  Shocking, I know, not to mention disgusting!  (If you've been a guest at our house and used our bathroom--no worries--I have actually cleaned our guest bathroom on a regular basis!)  Truth is, most of the time our house is not unlike a hurricane disaster area, and I really don't think I'm exaggerating. (And if you've been to our house, you still might not know the extent of it, because I'm good at frantically stuffing things away without really cleaning.)  I actually am an organized person.  I actually like to clean.  I actually HATE living like this.  

This is how I've been feeling lately...buried, with no hope of catching up!

This past year has been hard.  That's no secret.  But, coming into this new year has been even harder, because it seems that over the past couple of years I've been getting through each stage of life by holding on to the hope that when we reach the next stage, things will be better.  I'm chasing that elusive dangling carrot of an easier life, where things are in order, where need is eradicated, where we are in control of our own lives.  And I have neatly packaged that "easy life" dream into the box of "normalcy": my husband having a job, having a house, having a larger (and even second!) vehicle, etc.  The trouble is, every time I get to that new stage of life, it's NOT the golden age that I anticipated it would be, and worse--it's HARDER than before!  (My guess is, if I'm really honest with myself, that those of you who have these things probably wouldn't label your life "easy" either.)

These may be cheesy, but they have a good point!

And each time, I get angrier.  "I'm not asking for that much, here!  Just a normal life, with the same normal things that everyone has!  A job, a car, a house, a dog.  Why does it always have to be SO HARD?????"  I know that this will make many of you cringe and want to rush at me with Bible verses in hand, but often I have felt and begun to believe that God really doesn't love me.  (But hold your sermon-writing...just wait...we're not at the conclusion yet!)

Time after time this has happened, and I've worn thin; I've worn past thin, to raw, un-coping nerves.  I admit, for some time now, I've given up.  My house has, in a way, become an expression of my inner life: the mess inside my heart and mind just spewing out into confused heaps on the floor.  Efforts to clean and organize have been frustratingly unproductive, because how can I create order when I'm muddled in confusion? 

Last night, and I honestly can't even pinpoint why or how, I felt like someone had wiped my eyes clear.

Maybe...instead of complaining, "Why does life have to be so hard?" I should wonder, "Why should life be easy?"  Maybe God has bigger plans and bigger blessings in mind for me than my own mediocre goal of "easy."  Maybe God has more faith in me than I do in myself to achieve dreams He hasn't even yet placed in my heart.  Maybe, just maybe, this time of hardship is exactly the blessing I need to push me to do what I would never normally do (you got it--because it's not easy!) so that I could see past my limited vision and limited dreams to a whole new world of possibilities. 

Okay, these conclusions are obvious, I know.  And I'm sure some of you have tried to tell me these same things a time or two, and I just couldn't hear at the time.  I was spinning in space and just had to find my own feet.  I honestly always thought I was a strong person, unafraid of new challenges, never willing to quit just because of adversity, quick to find resourceful solutions.  But I'm realizing now that I've really been weak and cowardly, hiding behind a facade of strength. 

So I guess I've decided:  This year is going to be hard anyway.  It's a fact and it's not going to change.  So...Instead of fighting it aimlessly and wailing about the injustice, as I've been trying for years, why not embrace the hardship and do things I may not want to do, which might make this hard year harder, but will make our future brighter?

That's my goal for the New Year: to have a really, truly terrible year, in the very best possible way!  To take a year that's filled with hardship and turn it into a catalyst for blessing.

 And my bathroom is clean.

(P.S.  I'm not super-motivated here, folks.  I'm scared out of my mind.  But I think it's going to turn out to be a very good thing, indeed...)