Goodbye, Wee One

This past week has been unbearably hard, and yet it's impossible times like these, filled with grief, that we feel God's presence nearest.

We found out in early July that we were expecting Baby #4, and although we're completely overwhelmed with life right now, we were all elated!

The pregnancy seemed to be progressing normally and without complication, and then on August 3, when I thought I was about 8 weeks along, I experienced sudden, heavy bleeding that lasted for about 12 hours.  We thought we were miscarrying, because even though this experience was completely different from a previous miscarriage we had, we couldn't imagine that a baby could survive such extreme blood loss.

Our midwife was out of town and recommended seeing her associate doctor to make sure everything had passed properly, since it was so unusual.  It was a few days before we could get in to see the doctor, so we had grieved and resigned ourselves to the loss.  And so, it was startling when the doctor said, confused, that she thought she detected a heartbeat.  She wasn't entirely certain, so she sent us to the hospital for a second opinion.  Sure enough, our  baby was alive!  It was a miraculous, precious gift!

It turned out that I had had a placental hemorrhage, where the placenta had begun to detach from the uterus wall, causing all the bleeding, but apparently had corrected itself and all was well.  Apparently, also, this sort of thing can be normal in late first trimester.  The hemorrhage put us at slightly increased risk of miscarriage, but was no real concern and there was nothing to be done about it.  The ultrasound indicated (and our midwife confirmed by other checks) that we were a whole month farther along than we thought.  That added a new dimension of surprise and concern, because there was that whole month that I believed I wasn't pregnant, and one just isn't as careful about things when the womb is empty. 

The pregnancy continued normally, with a bad case of "morning" sickness (try "unending" sickness!) being my only ailment.  At around 16.5 weeks, I suddenly started feeling better; at the time, I thought that was a positive thing.  For maybe a week prior to our latest appointment, I had started to feel concerned--not for any particular reason, and worry is normal when you're pregnant, and also several people had suddenly started asking me if everything was okay with the pregnancy, and that just made me wonder...But as far as we knew, all was well.

16 weeks

Then this past Tuesday, September 16, we went to our scheduled 17 week appointment, and couldn't find a heartbeat.  Our midwife was obviously concerned, but we knew that my placenta was up front, and she wondered hopefully if that was just in the way.  I knew that wasn't the case, and suddenly it made sense why I hadn't felt the baby move yet...Anyway, we went straight to the hospital for an ultrasound to find out for sure what was going on.  Our worst fears were confirmed on that black-and-white screen...our baby was gone forever.

Waves of emotion, pain, grief, guilt, confusion, fear, and brokenness washed over me from that moment through the following days.  Tears became the norm.  Having to plan for a birth and burial just made it all so much harder.  For several reasons I won't list here, we chose to induce labor and birth in the hospital--and I'm glad we did.  But leading up to it, I really struggled with fear and resistance.  I felt like I was being dragged unwilling into a forced abortion; I was clinging tightly and didn't want to let anyone take my baby from me.  Even though 2 ultrasounds and 2 doctors had confirmed it, I couldn't let go of my fear, "What if the machines are wrong???"  I almost backed out; I almost couldn't do it. 

In the wee hours of Friday morning, the day scheduled for our lost baby's birth, God strengthened me and gave me peace for what we were about to face that day.  The peace God gave was so real that the nurse and doctor both commented that they couldn't tell I was laboring because I just looked comfortable, and in fact the baby was born while they were both out of the room because they weren't expecting anything to happen.  More than that, God even blessed us with joy, and we had moments where we were able to laugh--not at all making light of the sorrow of the day, but just to find humor in small things to lighten the burden of our souls.

Every part of the birth went well, and we were able to spend several hours with our little boy.  We named him Nathaniel Joel...Nathaniel, meaning "God has given;" Joel, meaning "Yahweh is God"...because this boy was a gift God gave us for a short time, and He knows best why it was time to take him home so early.

I briefly mentioned how one of my troubling emotions was guilt...Life has been exceptionally hard lately, and I've struggled this whole pregnancy with feelings of guilt for not providing a healthier growing environment for this baby--in all areas of diet, exercise, and emotional health.  So when he died, I was overcome with horror that it was my fault, that God had entrusted me with nurturing this precious life and I had failed.  That is where the Lord gave us one more mercy...

Nathaniel's tiny feet in my hand.

After Nathaniel was born, the doctor immediately noted, with certainty, that he had a chromosomal abnormality (such as Down's Syndrome).  Also, the placental hemorrhage I'd had earlier in the pregnancy, interestingly, is often correlated with or indicative of a baby with a chromosomal abnormality.  While some of these precious babies do live to full term and beyond, very often they don't make it to birth because their valves are weaker and water can collect around their hearts, causing it to stop working.  And often, of the ones who don't make it to birth, many make it as far as 28 weeks gestation before passing away.  (I'm speaking only what I remember hearing the doctor say, which could be a fuzzy memory; this is not intended to be a scientific statement.)


The mercy is two-fold: 1) That we were spared even greater pain of losing our baby at a later gestation, because the longer you have to love the child, the harder it is to say goodbye; and 2) The fact that there was a real, medical reason for Nathaniel's death relieved my aching guilt that it was all my fault.  The reason doesn't make it easier to lose him; it doesn't diminish any of the love we feel for him or the pain of loss or our desire to raise him and watch him grow.  He is precious because God made him, and he is special to us because he is ours.  My heart breaks that we'll never get to hold his hand and feel him squeeze back; we'll never see his face light up with smiles; we'll never get to fall in love with his personality...But we have the joy his short life gave us; we have the assurance of God's faithfulness; and we have the promise that we will see him and hug him and hold him again someday.   

Powerful Provisions

There are so many incredible ways God has shown Himself faithful and powerful to us over the course of these last weeks and months, and has provided for our deepest needs, and I just want to brag on Him a little here!

As we know, God's power is made perfect in our weakness, so let's start with our weakness...

It's been no secret that our life situation right now is a fair bit challenging.  No one chooses to have no job, no means of sustaining life, no home, no ability to provide for your own family, and to have to uproot pretty much annually...And that seems like it's just the tip of the iceberg, but I'll resist being dramatic! Anyway, I held on to faith for as long as I could, but by the end of July, my faith was faltering so badly, I think it was hanging on by only a very thin thread. 

Lately, we've had several rather significant needs weigh on us all at once:

1. Housing--we need a new place to live, that fits in our budget and is flexible with our "we-have-no-idea-what-the-future-holds" situation right now...hard to find.
2. Vehicle--now it makes sense why we needed that minivan so suddenly, eh?  Without a bigger vehicle, we simply would've been house-bound. 
3. Prenatal care for the baby--good doctors abound, but our hearts were set on a midwife and a home birth; it's just that important to me, that if we couldn't have had one here, we would have moved.
4. Job--all of the above needs require money!  Without a job, we just wouldn't be able to support our 5 lives.  Numerous applications out returned no calls back, on anything!  Very disheartening, to say the least.  

So I just wanted to tell how God is beginning to meet our needs and encourage my faith.  We still are in need of items 1 and 4 (housing and job), but out of seeming impossibility, God has recently brought about 2 of our big needs: a larger vehicle/minivan, and a great midwife.  Considering our jobless situation, we thought there would be no possible way for us to meet the vehicle need, but God went powerfully before us and opened all the right doors, and the process went so smoothly and painlessly, with lots of encouragement along the way.  As for the midwife, they are hard to come by in northern Michigan, and the few that exist are a minimum of an hour and a half away from our location.  But God put a friend in our path who recommended a midwife who will actually travel to Petoskey, and we feel comfortable with her and couldn't be happier. 

I know it doesn't look well on me to share my Doubting Thomas story, but I'm encouraged by God's grace to strengthen our faith in the ways we need it.  Recently, I needed to see to believe, and He answered, and renewed my faith in His provision for our other upcoming needs.

Belly, Belly, Start to Swelly!

As it turns out, it's time to start growing this belly again!

4 weeks, more or less

Yes, Sirs and Ma'ams--we're having our Baby Number Three!  And we couldn't be more excited!

We figured it was time to just make the announcement official, since word's been spreading already, and since it's getting hard to hide this belly anymore!  I'm somewhere around 6 weeks along right now. 

Again, at about 4 weeks...told you it was hard to hide!

I know the questions you're all thinking (based on the questions I've been receiving), so I'll try to knock out some answers as best I can!

Q:  When are you due?
A: Unofficially, around the last week of March, 2013.  I'll update if anything changes!

Q: How many babies are in there?!
A: Who knows!  But as far as we know, just one.  I just happen to be efficient at growing babies!  I would love twins, someday...Jack told me he thought we should have 5 babies in my belly...I guess we'll see :).

Q: Are you hoping for a boy or girl?
A: Equally either.  Both would be equally fun for different reasons, so we're happy that the decision isn't ours!  Jack, on the other hand, has his heart set on a baby girl and calls her by the name we've chosen.  He will not even hear of the option that this baby could be a boy.  When asked why, he's communicated that girls are cute and sweet, and he wants another sister just like the one he has, because he loves her so much.  Isn't that precious?

Q: Are you planning to find out the baby's gender?
A: We're not sure yet...Having one of each reduces the practical need to prepare by stockpiling appropriate clothes...and it would be fun to have a surprise!...BUT, with the first two we also really enjoyed being able to bond with them while still in the womb, to call them by name and get to know them before we saw them.  So, we don't know yet. 

Q: Are the kids excited?
A: They couldn't be more!  Both of them had been asking and asking for another baby in our family for some months, especially with the arrival of cousin Baby Ava.  They both have tender, sweet, nurturing spirits, and they love each other to death, so to them the idea of another baby is just the greatest thing on earth!  Jack's reaction when I told him the news was pricessless: pure joy!  He tells everyone we see, with great pride, that mommy has a baby in her belly (it's hard to keep a secret!).  They both love to gently stroke my belly or "tickle" the baby, or talk to him/her.  And they practice baby care with their little dolls.


Q: Are you planning to have another home birth?
A: If we can help it--Absolutely.  Having a home birth was the most incredible experience, and so peaceful for all of us, that I wouldn't give it up for the world!  It's hard finding midwives in Northern Michigan, and it didn't look promising for a while--so that we even seriously considered commuting to Indiana to see our last midwife, or even moving!--but God worked it all out and we found a fabulous midwife here that we really like!

Q: Are you sharing name ideas?
A: Hmmm...this is a tricky one.  If we share, will you all promise not to steal our ideas??? Haha.  As I mentioned, the girl name has been picked out for a while, but the boy name is still being deliberated over.  We'll see how we feel about sharing when they're both chosen. 

Q: Was this a planned pregnancy?
A: A very intimate question--how shocking that you asked!  Well, we've been longing for another baby for some time, but were waiting for certain challenging life situations to clear up.  I'll just say this: It was neither planned nor unplanned, but God surprised us with His perfect timing! 

Q: How are you feeling?
A: So far, I'm doing okay!  I am experiencing the typical exhaustion and occasional forgetfulness, and of course increased appetite!  This past week and a half the nausea has hit, unfortunately, but so far it's manageable.  I'm trying to still keep up with running, so I think that's helping overall.  So, predictions, anyone??  With Jack, I had no sickness.  With Safita, I was really sick.  Anyone want to wager??? 

Anyone have any questions I didn't address?  Shoot away!